New York Magazine Competition No. 79: Real Trump TV

Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On regular Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 79: “REAL TRUMP TV.” A sequel to the previous Competition: Please offer a TV show, reimagined in the manner of the candidate. For example:

THE WEST WING: “President Bartlet, low-energy. Sick! He had MS, and never told you about it.”

ALL IN THE FAMILY: “Archie Bunker is an American hero. Votes Trump!”

DIFF’RENT STROKES: “Nice show, nice family. Park Avenue, good address. That building, though, really—second-rate, they really need to get someone new in there. Cute daughter, though, with the sweaters.”

Enter on Twitter with the hashtag #realtrumpTV, or in the comments thread below, by October 14.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 78, “LITERATURE, TRUMPED,” in which you were asked to filter an author’s voice through that of the Republican candidate (and came through; outstanding entries this time, everyone).

Noted: During this Competition’s run, a similar hashtag game, #trumpbookreport, coincidentally took off on Twitter. Sad! Yours were better.


“I came into a good deal of money—not as much money as I have now, but a good deal of money—and, you know, I made a very good decision, a really brilliant decision, and invested it in myself, because I’m my own greatest asset—everyone knows, I’m truly incredible—so I bought myself some jewels and went hunting—which is great sport, hunting, I highly recommend, if you can afford it, go hunting in Africa, they have some beautiful lions there—and basically went around living like a rajah, which was great, I really loved it … Then came the war. And, you know, I told Sean Hannity, I’m against the war, just call Sean Hannity, he’ll tell you, I’m against it, but it was a great relief, let me tell you. I got a commission, and I went to France—get this, I went to the Argonne Forest, in France—and met with these two machine-gun detachments so we could make a deal. I negotiated the deal myself—I’m a great negotiator, the best—and after two days every single one of them had a machine gun—every single one—and they were very grateful, you know, very grateful, just decimated the Germans, who are a very efficient people, I always say, the Germans are very efficient, they’re beating us in efficiency. I don’t know why Hillary hasn’t done something about it, she’s had twenty years to fix this. Washington is so ineffective, let me tell you. Meanwhile, I was promoted to major, which is a very good position, not as good as general, but it’s very good, and I received—you’re going to love this—Montenegro actually gave me a medal for my service. Yeah. Little Montenegro! Can you believe it?”

Here I am, an old man in a dry month,
Being read to by a boy, waiting for rain- and by the way, the concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non- competitive. I am going to bring those jobs BACK, and I’m the only one who can do it…
— Cags

It was the best of times, believe me, they were tremendous. The worst of times, let me tell you, that’s the New York Times. Sad, pathetic newspaper, their journalists are all hacks & liars.

One sunny Sunday—maybe it was a Saturday, who knows?—the caterpillar was hatched out of a tiny egg. That’s what people are saying, people who know. And this caterpillar was very, very hungry, OK? And maybe he was a Mexican caterpillar, cause it’s not like we have a wall to stop hungry caterpillars. But I will build that wall. And we will make America great again, but for Americans, not for Mexican caterpillars. And not for Muslim caterpillars. Because caterpillars, folks, they hatch out of a chrysalis. Chrys-a-lis. And that sounds an awful lot, an awful lot like ISIS. Which is why the first thing I will do as President is get my best generals together and tell them to come up with a plan. And we will have a plan folks, and we will deal with these caterpillars, believe me.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn: for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they will see Trump.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they will be called children of Trump.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Trump.
And people, oh you wonderful, blessed people – this is for you, but not those Mexicans and Muslims, we’re gonna build a wall and murder their families and I will make your life fabulous!

Stately, plump Sean Hannity came down my escalator the other night, which, by the way, is the nicest escalator in New York, if not the world. True. True fact. And boy was he in a lather. Because nobody calls him! Nobody! These reporters – who by the way are terrible people, you would not believe how terrible, folks – they say ‘Yes, Mr. Trump, yes I will yes I will yes.” And then they never do. But that’s OK. It’s OK. No, really.

Call me Donald. The hugely pale Hillary; crooked heart, and body–and who would want that body? I see her losing now.

As the United States awoke one early November morning from uneasy dreams, it found its president transformed into a monstrous idiot.

Lolita. The best. End of story. Lo-lee-ta: That’s how it’s spelled on the teleprompter for me. LOL.

Some people must have slandered Donald J., for one morning, without having done anything otherwise wrong, they were all arrested.

Let me have women about me who are not fat
Yon Rosie does not have a lean and hungry look

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree. But you don’t want to stay there. The rooms are terrible and that Kubla Khan, Kubla Khan, what kinda name is that, where’s he from, huh? You don’t want to stay there. You know what’s a great pleasure dome? The club I opened in Palm Beach, tough community, a brilliant community, a wealthy community, probably the wealthiest community there is in the world. And this club, no discrimination. It’s great. I get a lot of credit for it. And I’m very, very proud of it. And that’s the way I feel. That is the true way I feel.

I sing of arms—real nice arms, manly arms, give Putin a run for his money, and he’s a good friend of mine—arms and a man—and you know what they say about big arms, too, right? That’s arms and a man. And the man, this fella Aeneas. Nice guy. Kinda dopey. I mean, a soldier, okay, so what. You know what? I like soldiers whose cities don’t get burned to the ground.

I didn’t eat the plums, and I’m not gonna apologize! You owe me the apology really, but I’m not gonna ask for it, I’m just sayin’

He was wounded, I like people who don’t get wounded, a lotta people are saying for your transgressions; bruised–to where they didn’t even feel natural, ya know what I mean?–for your iniquities folks: the chastisement of my piece is up to me and me alone; see that? That’s my piece right there, Ivank- I mean Melania, and with his stripes we are gonna put one hell of an awning over the pool area, the greatest pool in all of Mamaroneck, believe me.

What makes Mexicans evil? some people ask. I never ask.

The Donald would remember that distant morning when his father lent him a million dollars. —


You are not the kind of guy who would be at a place like this at this time of the evening. But here you are, and you cannot say the terrain is unfamiliar. You are on a debate stage talking to a woman in a pantsuit who let’s just say could stand to lose a few pounds.The channel could be ABC, CNN, Fox. Just as long as it’s not Univision, you don’t care. What you want is a Kleenex, a huge beautiful Kleenex, to blow your nose. All might come clear if you could slip into the bathroom and do a little more Bolivian Marching Powder. Then again, it might not. A small voice inside you insists that this huge lack of stamina and your sinus condition is a result of too much of that already. Now the Holt guy—he’s a Democrat—is looking at you. So you line up the talking points, very strongly. Lock her up. Day one. Pigs, dogs, China. And some, I assume, are good people. Go.

New York Magazine Competition No. 79: Real Trump TV