New York Magazine Competition No. 80: Funny Definitions ‘T’

Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On regular Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 80: “FUNNY DEFINITIONS, WITH A T.” Please provide an entry in the manner of Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary for a word beginning with T. For example:

TWITTER: A service that you hate the more you use it, and that you use the more you hate it.

THEORY: A set of beliefs, based on the best data available and held by the preponderance of scientists in their field, which you are allowed to reject based on one personal experience.

TRUMP: That’s not funny.

Enter on Twitter with the hashtag #funnydefinitionsT, or in the comments thread below, by November 23.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 79, “REAL TRUMP TV,” in which you were asked to filter an author’s voice through that of our next president.


America’s Next Top Model: The winner is the one that got through without being grabbed.

The Wire: “Just what I was saying, folks — was I right?! Your neighborhoods are hellholes. African-Americans should and will VOTE TRUMP — I mean what do you have to lose?”

Trump Knows Best: Self-explanatory.

Friends: “♫So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaay *clapclapclapclap*
Your hair’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s full of raaaaape…♫”

Who’s the Boss?: What a stupid question.


Saturday Night Live: Worst show on TV, if you want to know the truth. Hasn’t been funny in years. So sad. I hear it’s getting cancelled in January.

Truth or Consequences: Not really.
— ragman1940

Billions: Story of my life, folks.

Lost: Wait, I never wanted this job. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m lost. Not just morally, ethically and spiritually, but actually physically! Which wing am I in again? East? West? Middle East? And this office — it’s oval — how do I know which way I’m facing?

The Joker’s Wild: He is, indeed — and it’s no longer a joke.

One Day at a Time: How we are all going to have to deal with the next four years.


American Horror Story: New season starts Jan. 20, 2017.

New York Magazine Competition No. 80: Funny Definitions ‘T’