I do not like to brag, but: I am a gamer. I play all the hot games: first-person shooters like Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, real-time strategy titles like Starcraft 2, fan-translated Japanese high-school dating simulators like Hātofuru Kareshi: Kibō No Gakuen To Shiroi Tsubasa. And, thanks to video-game accessory company KontrolFreek (which is not, as I originally assumed, one of the characters from Suicide Squad) there’s now performance gear built for my gamer body.
Now I am not a “pro gamer” on the “eSports” scene (yet). But that does not mean I don’t suffer from all the common pro-gamer maladies — excessive sweating, cramped movement at the elbows, or clammy hands. And not just when gaming! Eye contact with co-workers in the break room, or saying “You too!” after the ticket agent at the airport says “Enjoy your flight!” often sends torrents of sweat sliding down my body.
But I will suffer no longer, thanks to KontrolFreek’s “Icon Performance Gaming Hoodie” ($65.99), which “blends high-performance moisture-wicking fabrics with an absorbent outer layer, allowing gamers to easily dry hands and stay cool while improving accuracy and control.” Also, the hood is extra big so you can wear a headset. Having trouble visualizing just how well this all translates into perfecting maining Hanzo in Overwatch? Observe:
All very good stuff. Lack of motion-pleated elbows have cost me more Arena matches in Hearthstone than I want to admit. But what about my legs? You may say: You do not use your legs much while gaming. All I can say is that kicking out my ethernet cable when I’m losing badly in Street Fighter V and claiming the server must be fucked up has saved my win-loss record countless times — so I need my lower body to be clad in the best as well. KontrolFreek understands that, and sells the “Icon Performance Gaming Shorts” ($35.99).
Not only do these slick shorts have the same moisture-wicking tech and hand-drying zones as the Icon Performance Gaming Hoodie, they have one other important feature. Let’s say I’m playing a little Call of Duty and some noob-tube punk keeps camping spawn points? I’m gonna have to message him on Xbox Live. And what if it turns out he lives in the New York City metro area? Well, we might need to face off mano a mano, split-screen style. And I’m gonna need my controller for that. Luckily, the Icon Performance Gaming Shorts let me go into the situation fully prepared.
Now, will wearing this hoodie and shorts make me into the perfect gamer? No, of course not. You need time, skill, practice, and Adderall for that. But every little bit helps when you are duking it out in Dota 2, and I for one am glad KontrolFreek has made the gear that helps me be the gamer I’m truly meant to be.
