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The Tech Industry Is Facing a Monumental Hamburger Crisis: Not Even Snapchat Knows What a Cheeseburger Is

Hell, in three parts.

Earlier this week, Google CEO Sundar Pichai was forced to make a public statement on a controversy that threatened to destroy the tech giant: its shockingly incorrect burger emoji. As first pointed out by media analyst Thomas Baekdal, the version of the hamburger emoji that appears in Google software is an abomination that does not deserve to be called a “cheeseburger.” Its problem is in its structure: It goes top bun, lettuce, tomato, patty, then cheese, and then bottom bun. Consumers and voting citizens everywhere voiced their outrage, and disgruntled burger-activists took to Twitter to stand against this affront on American values.

However, new reports seem to suggest that the sesame-seedy Burgergate scandal extends far beyond just Google. In fact, there appears to be a systemic issue plaguing Silicon Valley — one rocking it to its very foundation: The tech industry does not appear to know what a burger is.

Apple’s hamburger emoji, for example, correctly places the cheese on top of the burger — but bizarrely places the lettuce between the burger patty and the bottom bun, an unsettling choice that has left consumers baffled.

And now, with Snapchat’s latest addition to its augmented-reality filters, the Dancing Burger, the scandal has reached trend-story-level proportions.

Like the Snapchat Dancing Hot Dog of lore and legend, the Dancing Burger is an animated food item with a cute face and stick arms that dances on whatever surface your camera is pointed at. However, unlike its charming, beloved predecessor, the Dancing Burger is eerie and disturbing.

Why, you might ask. Please look carefully at the following image:

Save yourself. Photo: Snapchat

Below its frozen, dead eyes, and that fixed (serial-killer-esque) grin, sits a disturbing stack of ingredients. Let’s break this down:

The Lettuce
First, there’s some lettuce, a reasonable, admirable choice to top a burger. And although it doesn’t seem to be secured by any sauce or mayolike condiment, it’s indisputably a modern classic.

The Patty
Then, there’s a patty. Okay … Not the most inventive choice ever, but still somewhat respectable. Perhaps Snapchat likes to keep things simple?

The Tomatoes??
This is where it starts to get wild. Underneath the first patty there are … tomatoes. What?! Tomatoes … under the burger? Unfortunately, it’s just getting started.

The Cheese
Cheese is good — but not next to tomatoes. But here’s where it gets wild.

What the hell is going on here?! Why in God’s name would you put the second patty after the tomatoes??? The sheer physics alone is problematic enough! Have any of the designers involved with the creation of this scourge upon humanity ever actually seen (or tried to consume?!) a burger? What would this monstrosity taste like if brought to life?

To find some answers, I traveled to Black Tap Burger, which Google described as a “modern burger joint.” After studying a picture of the Dancing Burger, a manager agreed to speak with me about this culinary crisis, under the condition of anonymity.

“I can tell you right off the bat that it’s just not going to work,” he said, shaking his head. “With the tomatoes in-between the two burgers, there’s just not going to be enough friction, and it’ll slide out.” As for possible solutions, he said that if Snapchat wanted to make it more edible, it would have to “either get rid of the bottom burger or put the tomatoes at the top so they don’t slide out.”

Next, I went to M&M Market Delicatessen and spoke to the man behind the grill. After looking at the cursed image, he merely shrugged his shoulders and said, “It’s fine, I guess. I’d serve it.” And though I’m not saying his opinion isn’t valid, let it be known that a girl with Snapchat open was standing nearby during our conversation …

My last stop was Amelia’s, a classic American diner just down the street from New York’s lovely offices. As I brought out a photo of the Dancing Burger, a small crowd of employees gathered.

“Why two patties?” asked Nico, a manager, while squinting hard. “Two patties reminds me of McDonald’s burger, so that means it’s no good.”

“With two patties on there, you can’t taste the meat. They’d have to be too thin, and then they’d taste like nothing,” added a passing waitress.

“It’s gotta be a nice, big single burger, maybe a slice of green lettuce and tomato on top but never in the middle — with cheese melted on the burger,” Nico said. “That’s the only way it’s gonna taste good.”

So there you have it, folks, the cold, hard facts.

Crisis in Tech: Not Even Snapchat Knows What a Burger Is