You may have heard there’s a viral thing going around this month where people throw cheese at their kids and film it for the internet. Specifically, they throw cheese at their children’s faces. Are you confused? Okay. Here’s a clip carefully selected because the child in it is audibly laughing and looks none the worse for wear. (Though what do I know? I am not a doctor. For all I know, this kid will be lying on a couch in a therapist’s office decades from now processing why he just can’t maintain meaningful relationships when, suddenly, he’ll be overcome by emotion and scream, “The cheese!”)
The cheese thing — calling it a “prank” or “challenge” feels wrong since it’s not really prankish or challenging if you spring something on an unsuspecting baby who looks to you for everything it needs to survive — was started by a dad in Michigan named Charles Amara, Eater reports. He has since taken down his original Facebook video, likely due to flak. Maybe consider following his lead. Or, if you insist on throwing dairy products at your spawn, here’s a very official and definitely legitimate ranking of the best cheeses for the job.
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Do not throw this at a baby. I don’t care if you bought a tub of it to make some dish and you only needed 2/3 of the tub and it’s been sitting in your fridge teetering on the brink of going bad. Don’t do it. Your kid won’t like it and you will then be responsible for cleaning smeared ricotta off of them. You’ll be responsible. If you’re the kind of person throwing cheese at your baby in the first place, maybe you just won’t bother.
9. Cream Cheese
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This is not even real cheese. If you throw cream cheese at your baby, you’re just throwing food at a child and not even attempting to participate in the viral zeitgeist. Skip it. Go get yourself a bagel instead. Your child will thank you for it. Get me one too, while you’re out. Everything with cucumber and tomato and a little salt and pepper. Not toasted. Thanks.
8. Blue Cheese
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A contentious cheese among adult palates, so what makes you think your child, who eats mostly smashed, goopy foods, is going to want to be anywhere near such a funky cheese? Nope. Definitely not. Do not throw this cheese at children. Hell, do not throw this cheese at adults.
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There’s just too much work involved here. Are you scooping the cheese out of the rind entirely? Are you throwing rind at your baby? Can babies even eat soft cheese like brie or is that dangerous for their developing immune systems and gut?
Photo: Dorling Kindersley/Getty Images
The crumbliness here could be fun. Feta likely won’t stick to your child, which doesn’t give you the satisfaction of a shot of your baby with cheese stuck to her face for the internet to like, share, and repost. On the other hand, easy cleanup. Since you’ll mostly be cleaning the floor and not your squirming child.
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Kind of wrong for the spirit of the challenge but still could be a fun twist. Plus, I imagine, if I were a baby, I’d enjoy having a gentle snow of shake cheese — is the jury still out on whether or not it’s made of wood chips? — falling down upon my head.
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Honestly, cheddar is a boring cheese, but it’ll work fine for these purposes. Just make sure it’s thinly sliced so as to give you that nice thwap sound when it hits your kid’s face and not a thunk sound indicating you may have concussed your child. Plus, it’s not terribly expensive as far as decent tasting cheeses go.
3. Kraft Singles
Photo: Burwell Photography/Getty Images
I understand the appeal here. Really, I do. Chances are, if you’re raising little kids, you might have these readily at hand. The orange color — yes, I know they come in white, too — looks good on camera and on skin. And that slimy coating, the one that should remind you, an adult, to eat literally any other cheese, is great for ensuring it sticks to your baby.
Photo: Yevgen Romanenko/Getty Images
Swiss is an inherently funny cheese. It is cheese. But full of holes. Hole cheese! Look at it! It’s so silly looking. This whole thing is silly, so why not use the silliest cheese around? Plus, it seems like the holes might make it easier for your kid to breathe if the cheese lands on their mouth. Or see if it lands on their eyes.
Photo: Juan Monino/Getty Images
After long and careful deliberation and testing (I did no testing, this is a lie) it is clear that a nice, thin slice of Gouda is the winner. Excellent, vibrant color. Good on-face feel. A+ sticky factor. And, as a bonus, it tastes good for when you’re done performatively abusing your child for content and want to eat a snack.
Disclaimer: Intelligencer does not endorse throwing cheese at your baby. Make yourself a nice, melty sandwich instead and call it a day.
Evidence that COVID survivors may only need one vaccine dose
For people who have had Covid-19, a single dose of the Pfizer vaccine is enough to provide robust protection from the coronavirus, according to two newstudies from Britain that were published late Thursday in The Lancet, a prominent medical journal.
The studies, among the first fully vetted papers to weigh in on how to vaccinate people who have had Covid-19, added strong evidence to the case for giving just one dose of the Pfizer vaccine to people who already have antibodies against the virus.
Trump’s years-long quest to conceal his tax returns has come to an end
Breaking: Manhattan District Attorney’s office has obtained former President Donald Trump’s tax returns and related records, according to sources familiar with the matter. @kpolantz@ShimonPro reporting
The Biden administration is shifting language used by the government
At the Department of Homeland Security, the phrase “illegal alien” is being replaced with “noncitizen.” The Interior Department now makes sure that mentions of its stakeholders include “Tribal” people (with a capital “T” as preferred by Native Americans, it said). The most unpopular two words in the Trump lexicon — “climate change” — are once again appearing on government websites and in documents; officials at the Environmental Protection Agency have even begun using the hashtag #climatecrisis on Twitter.
It is all part of a concerted effort by the Biden administration to rebrand the government after four years of President Donald J. Trump, in part by stripping away the language and imagery that represented his anti-immigration, anti-science and anti-gay rights policies and replacing them with words and pictures that are more inclusive and better match the current president’s sensibilities.
Pfizer is looking at ways to make its COVID vaccine more effective
Pfizer Inc. and BioNTech have begun a study testing in people whether the companies’ Covid-19 shot can provide protection against emerging strains of the coronavirus.
The companies said Thursday they have started the small study to see whether a third dose of their authorized Covid-19 vaccine would increase its effectiveness against new variants, such as the strain first identified in South Africa.
The approach differs from that of Moderna Inc., which said Wednesday it had made a new vaccine targeting the strain found in South Africa and shipped doses to U.S. government researchers for human testing.
Pfizer and BioNTech said they are also in discussions with U.S., European and other health regulators about studying a tweaked version of their vaccine that researchers designed to protect against the variant found in South Africa.
“We are taking multiple steps to act decisively and be ready in case a strain becomes resistant to the protection afforded by the vaccine,” Pfizer Chief Executive Albert Bourla said in a statement.