happy birthday mr. romney

Mitt Romney, Normal Man, Celebrates 72 Solar Cycles With Twinkie Cake

Photo: Mitt Romney via Twitter

Mitt Romney, whose incredible normalness and very normal way of talking and doing things nearly propelled him to the Oval Office in 2012, is now a U.S. senator. He was the governor of Massachusetts, now he’s a senator from Utah, just like you and me. According to the notoriously unreliable website celebritynetworth.com, Romney’s net worth is $250 million. Relatable.

Mitt Romney, an average joe in possession of binders full of women, was born to human parents on March 12, 1947. That’s 72 years ago today, or 72 “solar cycles” if you’d prefer.

To celebrate this birthday, Romney’s congressional staff got him a birthday cake. But this isn’t a normal cake: It’s a fun birthday cake, made of Twinkies. As we all know, Twinkies are the popular cream-filled snack cakes that the youngest of youths and the oldest of seniors love to enjoy on occasion.

Many people prefer to blow out the candles on their cake all at once, but oh ho ho, not Mister Romney. No, he likes to savor each delectable flame. With aplomb, he plucks out each little fire stick one by one, giving each a small kiss of wind to extinguish the fires. A puff for you, candle No. 1, and a puff for you, candle No. 2, and so on.

Why do this? I cannot claim to know the inner working of Mitt Romney’s brain, but seeing as we are two normal people, composed of millions of cells forming the human body, I can make a guess based on our shared experience. Maybe Mr. Romney is being germ conscious, taking care to not blow small germs all over a cake he will share with colleagues momentarily — this is a very nice gesture. Maybe he is worried that one large gust of his mouth wind will blow the candles out of the cake and onto the floor, where the flames will ignite a fire that imperils everyone in the nation’s capital. Maybe he just wants to thank each candle for its service individually.

Happy birthday, Willard Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney Blows Out Birthday Candles One by One