this is dumb

Dude Raises $1.6 Million for ‘Liquid Death’ … Which Is Just Tallboy Cans of Water

Photo: Liquid Death

Nothing says “Hell yeah, I’m straight edge but hardcore” like knocking back a nice cold water. Former Netflix creative director Mike Cessario thinks he can capitalize on this with his new product, Liquid Death, water packaged in tallboy cans. Sorry, it appears he doesn’t think this so much as he knows this. He announced on Tuesday, according to Business Insider, that he has raised a new seed round of $1.6 million for his company. In total, he’s raised $2.25 million. Backers include Biz Stone of Twitter and founders of Dollar Shave Club and fancy-luggage start-up Away.

The cans sells direct to consumer. You can order a pack of 12 for $1.83 a can by visiting the website, where you’ll be greeted by a banner reading “MURDER YOUR THIRST” just to make sure you know how hardcore Liquid Death is. (There is a 10 percent discount if you subscribe to a regular-order schedule.) “Our proprietary Thirst Murdering™ process begins with Liquid Death forming a rope of veins that will wrap around your Thirst’s head and strangle it. Once Liquid Death reaches your Thirst’s brain, all of your Thirst’s memories will be replaced with repeating loops of its own head imploding. Which is exactly what happens next by it causing your Thirst’s head to implode and its brain to squirt out of its ears,” the website explains. “Once your Thirst has been murdered, the soul of your Thirst will begin to escape and float towards the ceiling. At this point, drink a second sip of Liquid Death to rip its soul back down and force it to begin gluing its own body parts back together so that it can crawl inside you and eventually grow into a fully formed Thirst once again.”

The website also features this, uh, fun cartoon where Liquid Death comes to life in the form of a mad ax murderer and runs around chopping people in half! Hardcore! Hydration!

Liquid Death’s website also explains it opted for cans because they
“are far and away the most sustainable beverage container by virtually every measure.” Alternatively, you could just buy a reusable water bottle — chances are you probably already have done so — or, I don’t know, just use a glass and figure out some other way to tell everybody how punk you are.

Dude Raises $1.6 Million for ‘Liquid Death’ AKA Canned Water