elizabeth warren

In Good Tweet, Elizabeth Warren Stands Up for Free College, Thirsty Cougars

Plans ahead. Photo: Sean Rayford/Getty Images

Everyone knows that Elizabeth Warren has proposals for making child care affordable, reducing carbon-dioxide emissions, improving corporate governance, bolstering organized labor, promoting economic development in rural America, combating corruption, and addressing myriad other policy challenges that our nation faces.

But surely the senator doesn’t have a plan for everything. For example, imagine if America’s dumbest far-right grifters libelously accused her of engaging in exceptionally violent S&M with a former U.S. marine turned gigolo. Which is to say, imagine if Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman decided that they weren’t content with manufacturing bogus sexual-misconduct allegations against Robert Mueller and Pete Buttigieg, and paid some fellow idiot with a preposterously stupid name — for the sake of this thought experiment, let’s say “Kelvin Whelly” — to say that Warren hired him for “not just rough sex but extensive BDSM play,” and that “although I had a lot of experience in the business, I was shocked by the intensity, duration, and sheer violence of what Senator Warren wanted.” Imagine these allegations were all aired at a driveway press conference in front of this billboard:

Does Warren have a plan for how she could slyly wink at such an absurd and unlikely spectacle — without dignifying it with a direct response — while somehow simultaneously plugging her plans for higher education and tying it all back to her own uplifting personal story?

Does she have a plan for that?

Warren Unveils Plan for Owning Jacob Wohl, Affirming Cougars