Current Bain Capital employee and former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick is probably going to enter the Democratic Party’s primary race. There is no good reason for him to do so. He is not going to win. The masses do not pine for him. But hubris is a ruthless master, and it is driving Patrick the way it is driving former New York City mayor and current billionaire Michael Bloomberg. Reportedly concerned about a weak Joe Biden and the prospect of higher taxes on his massive fortune, Bloomberg has filed paperwork to enter the primary too. This is, to put it modestly, insane.
The clown car is full. It cannot accept any more passengers. Really, it was pushed beyond its capacity some time ago, but John Delaney simply will not get out of the vehicle.
In light of these circumstances, it is time to reevaluate the primary field’s barriers to entry. We must raise our standards. Current and former politicians ought to be prohibited from running. (This category excludes Marianne Williamson, but I don’t really know what to do with her, so.) From now on, only the following individuals are allowed to enter the race:
Politicians might behave as if they’re the second coming of Christ. None of them are actually Jesus, though, so maybe it’s time for the Lamb of God to embarrass them a little. To paraphrase Gandalf on the subject of Sauron, there is only one Lord, and He does not share power. If you are literally the second coming of Christ, you may enter the Democratic primary. If you are not, you should content yourself with your high-paying job in the private sector.
A Reanimated Eugene Debs
Eugene Debs was a very cool, very smart revolutionary who died in 1926, and he would be a great entry in the race. Consider his words after William Jennings Bryan lost the presidential election to William McKinley: “I am for socialism because I am for humanity … Money constitutes no proper basis of civilization.” The billionaires who are upset about Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders would absolutely lose their minds, and that would be amusing. If you are the reanimated person of Eugene Debs, you should enter the primary. Otherwise, stay dead.
The Fisher King
Though the Fisher King reputedly suffers from a mysterious groin injury and has difficulty standing or moving around, there are major points in his favor. How much of a badass do you have to be to guard the Holy Grail? A big one, probably. Maybe a reclusive, mystical monarch is what America really needs. At least he’d be a true noninterventionist, and he probably wouldn’t tweet. Fisher King 2020.
No one’s more egalitarian than Death. Vote for Death, or don’t, he’s coming for you anyway. I rest my case.
Admittedly, the Hamburglar is kind of out of control. He was also invented by a corporation that consistently treats its workers like shit. These caveats notwithstanding, the Hamburglar possesses a certain chaotic energy that would at least make the primary race more interesting. His penchant for stealing burgers also reflects a laudable disregard for private property, and for that, I salute him. The Hamburglar should enter the race. Everyone else, stay put.
Quilty the Cat
As an animal, Quilty cannot form sentences. He thus could not deliver campaign speeches and would yowl his way through the debates. But my God, what a lover of liberty! His captors at the Friends for Life Animal Shelter in Houston have placed him in solitary confinement, and for what? He keeps trying to free his other cat friends from captivity.
A legend, an icon, a true American hero. Quilty for president.