On Monday, extremely credible and incredibly accurate reports revealed that Joe Biden will be attending the first presidential debate Tuesday night with an earpiece hidden in his auditory canal and methamphetamine screaming through his blood.
These revelations — which definitely are not baseless conspiracies fomented by the Trump campaign in a last-ditch effort to prepare its supporters for the vast disparity between what they’ve been told Joe Biden is like (a man suffering from late-stage dementia) and what he is actually like (an old man who sometimes misspeaks but remains competent at retail politics) — helped spur a new round of reporting on the Democratic nominee’s debate preparations Tuesday afternoon.
First, journalist Todd Starnes of The Starnes Media Group (no relation), reported that the Iowa radio station KXEL had itself reported that the “word on the street” was that Joe Biden “got tonight’s debate questions in advance.”
As of this writing, it is not clear which street in Eastern Iowa KXEL heard this word on. But in the journalism business, few have more credibility than Todd Starnes, who worked his way up from the ground-floor of Starnes Media Group — overcoming unfounded suspicions of nepotism at every turn — to become the company’s first-ever president with the surname Starnes, making him an inspiration to Starneses the world-over, few of whom ever thought they’d live to see the day that Starnes Media Group was led by a natural-born Starnes.
Now, Intelligencer has learned that Biden will not only enter tonight’s debate with the benefit of an earpiece and advance knowledge of Chris Wallace’s questions — but also, with a next generation version of Amazon’s Alexa neurally implanted in his cerebral cortex. A source who wished to remain anonymous said that, according to a Biden family member’s college roommate’s golfing buddy’s Facebook post, the super-intelligent microchip can feed perfect answers directly into the Democratic nominee’s consciousness. Thus, the source explained, should Biden fall short of complete oratorical perfection at any point in Tuesday night’s proceedings, viewers should interpret this as proof that the Democratic nominee is essentially brain-dead, his cognitive faculties too fried to so much as faithfully echo the immaculate zingers of his in-built AI. Tellingly, Biden has refused to consent to a pre-debate brain scan to prove that there is no tiny homunculus lodged behind his eyes.
Meanwhile, a separate insider told Intelligencer that a Kamala Harris confidante’s son’s stalker’s Pinterest comment revealed Tuesday that Biden had his larynx removed late last week, and replaced with a perfect clone of Morgan Freeman’s — an operation that will cause the former vice president’s voice to sound at least three times as sonorous tonight as it is in reality. The insider further said that, according to a 4chan poster with knowledge of the situation, the Biden campaign abducted actor Cillian Murphy on Monday morning and gouged out his eyes, so as to replace their candidate’s dull peepers with the Irish thespian’s bright blue gems. Finally, according to Benny Johnson of Turning Point USA, in a last-minute procedure at Walter Reed Medical Center this afternoon, Biden had both of his arms sawed off and replaced with M20B1 “Super Bazookas.”
Republican operatives say that Biden’s myriad performance-enhancing alterations raise serious questions about the nature of the self. “Consider the following thought experiment,” Topher Speedboat of Herrenvolk Strategies said Tuesday. “Imagine that the famous ship sailed by the Greek hero Theseus was kept in a harbor as a kind of museum — and that, as the decades passed, and some of the ship’s wooden parts began to rot, they were replaced by new ones until, after a century’s time, every single part of the ship had been replaced. Can we say that this vessel is still the Ship of Theseus? If not, at what point did it cease to be that ship?”
Such questions may be impossible to answer. But one thing is certain: To the extent that Joe Biden comes across as less than completely senile Tuesday night, you should assume that this is not because the Trump campaign willfully misled you about the candidate’s capacities, but simply because the Democratic nominee is a cyborg death machine with Cillian Murphy’s eyes.