the national interest

Totally Real Source Reveals How Trump Discovered the Planeload of Looters

Photo-Illustration: Skyhobo/Getty Images

Last night, in an interview with Laura Ingraham, President Trump made an astonishing charge. “We had people get on a plane from a certain city this weekend,” he said. “And in the plane, it was almost completely loaded with thugs wearing these dark uniforms, black uniforms, with gear and this and that. They’re on a plane —”

“Where?” asked Ingraham.

“Where — I’ll tell you sometime. But it’s under investigation right now. But they came from a certain city, and this person was coming to the Republican National Convention, and there were like seven people on the plane like this person, and then a lot of people were on the plane to do big damage … The money is coming from some very stupid, rich people.”

Speaking to reporters this morning, Trump elaborated. “A person was on a plane, said there were about six people like that person, more or less, and what happened is the entire plane filled up with the looters, the anarchists, the rioters, people that obviously were looking for trouble …” he divulged. “This was a firsthand account of a plane going from Washington to wherever.”

At first, I was suspicious about the veracity of the anecdote. But then I found a secret source who works closely with the looters, anarchists, and rioters. This source, highly placed within a top anarchist organization, gave me a confidential interview. I have called this source “Deep Loot.” We spoke at his surprisingly well-appointed office in downtown Washington, D.C.

New York: Are you surprised Trump discovered your plot?

Deep Loot: No. To be honest, the operational security on this mission was so lax they were bound to be discovered. They broke every rule in the anarchist book. And there are a lot of them.

Like what?

First, if you’re organizing a looting trip, you don’t want to travel by plane. Because once you collect all the loot, how are you going to haul it away? You’re gonna check it in your luggage? Walk onboard planes with a flat-screen under each arm? I always teach them to go by van, truck, something that can haul loot. It’s Looting 101.

Sure, our CEO flies business class, but I tell the guys, “Look, if you escape from Hungary, build a fortune in currency speculation, and spend decades building a secret network of anarchists, you can fly first class too.”

So why did they go by plane?

Apparently, they got a discount through a travel agency. That’s also why they were all onboard together instead of staggering their travel, which we usually do.

But then they made it worse by wearing their black-bloc gear on the plane. We have made it very clear they’re supposed to travel in civilian attire and only change into the antifa uniform when they do the job. I mean, you’re only going to attract attention by filling up a plane with guys in all black with homemade helmets and shields.

It sounded like Trump was confused because in his first interview, he claimed your team was flying into Washington, and in the second, he said the plane was leaving Washington.

No, they flew round trip and were spotted on both legs of the trip. Just terrible work all around.

Right, one-way tickets are really expensive.

The overhead from plane travel cuts into the profit. I’ve sent out a bunch of memos explaining that we can’t afford to carry these costs in an economic environment like this, but anarchists don’t always listen to management.

Is it just about the money for you? Aren’t you doing this to help Joe Biden win?

It’s a big misconception. If Biden wins, a lot of the top rioters, looters, and anarchists in our organization are probably going to work for the administration. So yes, a Biden presidency will help us in some ways — his plan to defund the police and terrorize the suburbs is pretty exciting — but it’s going to mean we have to hire some even less experienced people. You think it’s bad this plot was exposed? Under Biden, our operations are going to be revealed on Fox News all the time.

This interview is completely made up and 0 percent true.

Totally Real Source Says How Trump Discovered Looter Plane