President Trump has been known to try to unnerve opponents with eye-opening debate guests. In 2016, he infamously brought three of Bill Clinton’s accusers to the second presidential debate, which took place just after the Access Hollywood tape dropped. The next time around, it was Barack Obama’s MAGA-friendly half-brother Malik who sat in Trump’s section. At the only presidential one-on-one so far this year, Trump passed up his chance for a splashy plus-one (unless you count the coronavirus). But he’s still got another chance to rattle Biden on Thursday night. So whom might he bring with him? Below, a few unconventional possibilities.
• John Paul Mac Isaac, the owner of the Mac Shop in Wilmington, Delaware, who purportedly repaired Hunter Biden’s laptop before sharing its contents with Trump’s personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani. He’ll bring the laptop with him and hold it over his head like Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything for the entire debate.
• Q, the mysterious message-board progenitor of the QAnon conspiracy theory (which the president refuses to condemn). Before the opening statements commence, Q will offer indisputable proof that Joe Biden is a Bolshevik vampire being kept alive by a secret drug harvested from the blood of children by antifa pedophiles.
• Alan Howell Parrot, the Maine falconer and star of the documentary Feathered Cocaine. Parrot has alleged that Joe Biden ordered the slaying of members of Seal Team Six (who are actually very much alive) in order to conceal the shocking truth that the Obama administration–directed operation to kill Osama bin Laden took out the terrorist’s body double instead. Trump recently appeared to endorse this theory on Twitter, later defending his position by noting that he had only retweeted it.
• Osama bin Laden, who is purportedly still alive according to said conspiracy theory. Trump will impale him with an American flagpole near the end of the debate.
• Fully armed members of the Proud Boys, the far-right group, who won’t take their seats in the audience until the president pointedly asks them to “stand down.”
• A Confederate statue wearing a MAGA hat.
• The McDonald’s Hamburglar, holding handfuls of mail-in ballots.
• A large group of white suburban women wearing “I like you, too, Trump” T-shirts.
• A military scientist from Wuhan, China, who will admit that she designed and released COVID-19 in an effort to damage Trump’s reelection prospects.
• A parade of pro-Trump boaters, representing the silent majority of American voters who support the president. They’ll deluge the debate stage with waves, at which point the president will drain the resulting swamp.
• A scale model of the basement Trump has repeatedly alleged that Biden has been hiding in during the pandemic, complete with a Cowering Biden doll wearing a hazmat suit, hiding under a mattress. Trump will rest the model on his podium and casually tinker with it while Biden responds to questions.
• A random Twitter user who, on behalf of the entire Democratic Party, has definitely attacked Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett for being Catholic.
• The actor Jon Voight, dressed as God, there to officially endorse Trump as well as lambaste Biden for his plan to eliminate Christmas once and for all.
• A Karl Marx impersonator, wearing a Biden-Harris T-shirt, reading the 1619 Project.
• Pennywise from the Stephen King novel It, who will mercilessly mock Biden’s stutter from the audience.
• A migrant caravan, waving ISIS flags, who will be unable to enter the debate after being blocked by a big, beautiful wall constructed outside.
• Hillary Clinton, in irons, rattling a tin cup against the bars of a cage hanging from the ceiling.
