star wars

Abolish the Space Force

Guardians of the atmosphere? Photo: Samuel Corum-Pool/Getty Images

Upon taking office in January, President-elect Joe Biden will have many responsibilities. End the pandemic, solve the recession, rebuild the country. Even so, I submit a humble request for his attention. Mr. Biden, I beg you: Abolish the Space Force.

On Friday, the Space Force made its strongest case yet for its demise. In a series of tweets, it revealed a new motto and name to the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present:

Heritage! Mission! Culture! Would you like to know more? Unfortunately, I would. The mind simply races. I infer from this tweet that we created an entire branch of the military to guard Western civilization from critical race theory. Is this the Space Confederacy?

Alas, this tweet does not answer any of the questions its predecessor inspired. I don’t want to know why they’re called the Guardians. I would like to know more, such as who was in charge of this decision. We already have National Guardsmen, and Coast Guardsmen; nobody could think of something original? Maybe “stormtrooper” was too obvious, and not just because we’re talking about troops in space. The motto invites certain historical comparisons.

But still, I would like to know more. What will those uniforms look like? How will rank work? Will the rest of the military ever take the Space Force seriously? And since the Space Force is a brand-new branch, to what could “culture” and “heritage” possibly refer? They have none! There isn’t a single U.S. Guardian (I perish!) who has done anything but push a pencil around a desk. Because there aren’t any Guardians. Nor will there be, if the incoming White House listens to me. 

I hope that aliens are real, and I hope they’re on their way to this planet. Abduct me and in so doing, spare me from thinking about the Space Force ever again. This is the dumbest shit in the entire world. It would be the dumbest shit in the entire galaxy.

Abolish the Space Force