In Defense of Tucker Carlson Touting ‘Testicle Tanning’

Photo: Fox News

Here’s a sentence I did not expect I would ever type: I’m excited about “testicle tanning.” Or, more specifically, I’m excited about Tucker Carlson getting excited about “testicle tanning.”

For the past few days, much of the internet has been chuckling over clips from the second season of Tucker Carlson Originals, a documentary series that airs on the streaming platform Fox Nation. First, people went wild for a montage from the trailer for the episode “The End of Men,” which is so extremely misogynistic and homophobic that it swings around into being unbelievably gay.

Then, in an hour-long special previewing the new season, Carlson chatted “fitness professional” Andrew McGovern, who shed some light on why the trailer shows a naked dude presenting his junk to what looks like a giant, glowing, home COVID test. He suggested that if men want to “optimize” and take their testosterone “to another level,” they should try red-light therapy.

“Which is testicle tanning?” Carlson asked.

“It’s testicle tanning, but it’s also full-body red-light therapy, which has massive amount of benefits,” McGovern replied.

This clip is even more thrilling than the second coming of the Ivan Drago training montage. Just as Rocky IV ended the Cold War, it has the potential to put an end to a terrible force threatening American society. Here’s why.

Tucker Carlson talking about nuts is better than him talking about his nutty ideas.

I’ll admit I’m not a regular Tucker Carlson Tonight viewer, but from what I gather, the Fox News show focuses less on penis-oriented “health” treatments and more on embracing the white-supremacist “replacement theory,” cheering on authoritarianism, and defending the January 6 insurrectionists. As the Washington Post’s Philip Bump explains, these disparate topics actually drive toward the same vile point:

Because this is Tucker Carlson, it’s useful to remember that whatever the subject, the ultimate destination is the same: White Americans, particularly older men, are embattled in an increasingly hostile culture and he is giving them the tools to fight back. This episode isn’t called “Examining an Apparent Drop in Testosterone Levels,” after all. It’s apocalyptic, as is nearly everything Carlson produces. Everything is part of the same us-or-them, now-or-never fight between real, masculine Americans and the effete elites.

This is true, but an hour of Carlson counseling American men who are worried they aren’t manly enough still seems less harmful than another installment of his documentary on how the Capitol riot was a false-flag operation.

Testicle tanning couldn’t help, might hurt.

Much like Carlson and McGovern, I am not a medical doctor, but I do like to do my own research on the internet. It turns out there’s “so much data out there” that suggests Tucker viewers who try this bold new treatment may be doing the rest of us a favor.

“Testicle tanning” can weed out members of Fox Nation who aren’t too far gone.

Carlson acknowledged during his conversation with McGovern that, “Half the viewers right now are like, ‘What? Testicle tanning, that’s crazy!’” In the following segment, Carlson laughed about the idea with guest Kid Rock but then tried to get him to agree that it’s the kind of “solution” that “open-minded people” should entertain. It didn’t go so well.

Perhaps Kid Rock isn’t the only viewer who starts questioning this brand of “open-mindedness” when it requires you to start microwaving your nuts.

“Bromeopathy” is a gold mine that Tucker may not be able to resist.

Despite that face he makes, Carlson is a not a dumb man. And during the interview, McGovern dropped an idea that Carlson would be a fool not to capitalize on. “I was recently exposed to a term called bromeopathy, and I think there’s a lot of people out there right now that don’t trust the mainstream information,” he said.

Why stop at testicle tanning? Carlson has already forged a bond with a certain type of older white guy who’s anxious about masculinity and his place in the world. I bet these men would pay good money for various Tucker-endorsed treatments that the mainstream medical establishment doesn’t want us to know about.

Clearly, Carlson becoming a Gwyneth Paltrow for MAGA bros would not be great for public health. But society would benefit greatly from Carlson having less time to spew toxic political rhetoric on Fox News prime time. What does the Goop founder think about critical race theory and the situation at our southern border? I don’t know — she’s too busy making money off urging women to jam needles in their faces and stick jade eggs in their vaginas to tell me.

Just imagine what America could look like if Carlson’s attention were entirely focused on helping guys bake their balls and jam other stuff in and around their genitals. This is the future that liberals want.

In Defense of Tucker Carlson Touting ‘Testicle Tanning’