Nation, Gird Your Loins! The Lopez-Anthony Twins Cometh!Jennifer Lopez has checked into her private room at Long Island’s North Shore University Hospital, presumably so that she can give birth to the babies that have been making her look majorly fat lately. This very important news comes to us courtesy of “Page Six,” and since the Post went to press last night, this could mean that babies are bursting out of J.Lo’s vagina right this very second. Not that we would know if they were, because the hospital is on lockdown. According to the esteemed New Zealand Herald, Lopez has “banned staff from entering the room where she is due to give birth.” This is likely due to the fact that People magazine has reportedly offered $6.5 million for pictures of the twins, the most money a baby has fetched since the magazine paid $4 million for pics of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in 2004. However, since there are two Lopez babies, it’s really only $3.25 million per twin, and that’s is kind of a slap in the face if you think about it. In any case,* the black-market number for purloined photos is said to be significantly higher. We hear Star is offering an undisclosed but gargantuan sum to anyone who can bring them a photo of the twins with the umbilical cord still attached, and Nick Denton, of Gawker, will pay $7 per second of streaming video to anyone who has the gumption to film the actual birth scene, complete with a sweaty, screaming J.Lo and a pallid and revolted Marc Anthony. Placenta, of course, will be auctioned on eBay starting at midnight the day of the birth.
J.Lo Checks In [NYP]
*From here to the end everything we say is lies
in other news
Happy Birthday, Linds!Because it should be noted: Today is Lindsay Lohan’s 21st birthday. Remember when you were in college, and you had your birthday, and you made a big deal of going to the local liquor store with your I.D., just because you could and therefore should, and yet you knew in the back of your mind that it was sort of ridiculous, because you’d been able to get drunk easily enough with other I.D.’s, or on booze your friends bought, before you’d turned 21? This milestone is sort like that. But way, way more.
Related: Happy 21st Birthday to a Rehabbing Lindsay Lohan [Defamer]
Alfonso Cuarón’s Happily Interminable Birthday
Last night’s screening of Alfonso Cuarón’s apocalyptic infertility thriller Children of Men was shaping up to be just another ho-hum night of free food and booze at the MoMA. Then in walked the Mexican-film-director power trio of Cuarón (Y Tú Mamá También), Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth), and Alejandro Iñárritu (Babel), followed minutes later by a fanfare of trumpets from what might be the city’s best-sounding mariachi band. It seems it was a shocked Cuarón’s 45th birthday. He accepted a cake from one of his Universal Pictures producers and then stood there for a good five minutes while Del Toro and Iñárritu sang along to the exceedingly long Mexican birthday song, Las Mañanitas, which translates to “little morning songs.” Cuarón shook his head as they finished. “It’s kind of embarrassing when you’re holding the cake and you’re under the spot and you know that it’s a damn long song. You never know how many verses they’ll sing. If you sing the whole thing, it could be days. There’s, like, 30 verses. I don’t even know what they’re all about. Something to do with birds and flowers, the sun rising around your day, different metaphors around the same thing.” Del Toro, the most enthusiastic cantante of the bunch, laughed. “It’s a really long song, but I think the longest it ever goes is twenty minutes.”
— Jada Yuan