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Can U Not

  1. can u not
    Citadel Cadets Suspended After Wearing White Pillowcases on HeadsThe students at the military college said they were performing a “Ghosts of Christmas Past” sketch.
    By Jaime Fuller
  2. department of bad ideas
    Gun-Rights Groups Staging Fake Mass ShootingThey are also going to march around with loaded guns. 
    By Jaime Fuller and Margaret Hartmann
  3. bad ideas
    Canadian Man Faces Jail Time for Smuggling Turtles in His PantsHe strapped 41 turtles around his legs and hid 10 in between.
    By Elaine Godfrey
  4. can u not
    Thai Printer Decides Not to Publish Front-Page Story About How Economy StinksIt’s not like anyone will notice that there is a huge blank space in the middle of the page, right?
    By Jaime Fuller
  5. oops
    Drunk Russian Sailor Crashes Massive Cargo Ship at Full Speed The 7,000-ton ship was so badly damaged it had to be scrapped. 
    By Nathan Pemberton
  6. can u not
    Aircraft-Annoying Lasers Now Taking Over Skies in BrooklynHow many helicopters does it take to find a laser pointer?
    By Elaine Godfrey
  7. can u not
    Ben Carson Tries to Top Himself, Blames Holocaust on Gun ControlIt’s a popular theory, though it’s been repeatedly debunked.
    By Jonah Shepp
  8. state politics
    State Rep. Involved in Weird Scandal ResignsThe fake scandal failed to save Michigan State representative Todd Courser’s job. 
    By Jaime Fuller
  9. crimes and misdemeanors
    Couple Arrested for Taking Selfies on Boat Already Occupied by Sleeping FamilyThey left behind a bag of still-warm food from a KFC/Taco Bell. 
    By Jaime Fuller
  10. 2016
    Deez Nuts Sparks Fake-Candidate EpidemicThere are multiple Joe Bidens now running for president. 
    By Jaime Fuller
  11. can u not
    Cheating Allegations Hit Little League Softball World Series Really?
    By Jaime Fuller
  12. crimes and misdemeanors
    Police Very Confused by People Sneaking Into Stinky SewerThe men were reportedly on a treasure hunt.
    By Jaime Fuller
  13. can u not
    Michigan State Rep. Says He Was BlackmailedTodd Courser plans to stay in government so he can expose “political shenanigans.”
    By Jaime Fuller
  14. State Representative Tries to Hide Affair by Spreading Rumors About HimselfHow to completely fail at hiding a scandal. 
    By Jaime Fuller
  15. can u not
    FBI Arrests North Carolina Men Allegedly Prepping for U.S. to Impose Martial LawOne of the three accused men was preparing homemade explosives called “game changers,” for the post-Jade Helm United States.
    By Jaime Fuller
  16. can u not
    Man Realizes Petting Cougars Was ‘Bad Decision’“They wanted me to pet them.”
    By Jaime Fuller
  17. crimes and misdemeanors
    Pennsylvania Mailman Charged With Delivering Other People’s Mail to HimselfFederal authorities had doubts that all 22,000 pieces of mail were addressed to him. 
    By Jaime Fuller
  18. can u not
    Teen Arrested After Allegedly Stealing $30 From Lemonade StandThis is the second lemonade-stand robbery reported this month.
    By Jaime Fuller
  19. can u not
    Woman Finds New Thing to Blame Obama ForA woman arrested for counterfeiting money in Tennessee tells police that the president told her to do it.
    By Jaime Fuller
  20. seaworld
    PETA Thinks Gung-Ho Animal Activist Was Maybe Just Undercover SeaWorld Employee“Grab your pitch forks and torches. Time to take down SeaWorld.”
    By Jaime Fuller
  21. Sheriff Joe Arpaio Gets Tough on Horse Sex“These animals are not meant to be sex toys for the perverted,” says Joe Arpaio.
    By Jaime Fuller
  22. NYPD Fails to Notice Guy With Selfie Stick on Top of Brooklyn Bridge“I don’t recommend anybody else do it. It’s not a smart thing to do because I know they take security on the bridges seriously.”
    By Jaime Fuller
  23. Man Who Threatened to Join ISIS Wants Cat BackHe just wanted his cat back. 
    By Jaime Fuller
  24. can u not
    Meanwhile, on the Upper West Side: ‘Dog Racism’“It’s like dog racism essentially.”
    By Jessica Roy
  25. can u not
    Austin Government Pays Man to Explain WomenJonathan K. Allen offered helpful advice, such as numbers confuse the ladies and ugh they talk nonstop.
    By Jessica Roy
  26. can u not
    Okay, Which One of You Left 800 Used Adult Diapers on the Side of the Road?You really need to stop doing it.
    By Jessica Roy
  27. can u not
    Men Now Scheduling Vasectomies As Excuse to Stay Home and Watch March Madness“It seemed like a great combination because you’re supposed to be on the couch for a few days.”
    By Jessica Roy
  28. can u not
    Mountain Lion Literally Can’t EvenHappy Friday!
    By Jessica Roy
  29. ‘Looking for a GF’ Flyer Guy Laid 118 TimesHis old-school dating campaign has apparently been wildly successful.
    By Jessica Roy
  30. can u not
    John Boehner Abuses Taylor Swift GIFsSpeaker.gov makes us cry teardrops on our guitars.
    By Jessica Roy
  31. can u not
    Worst Dad Ever Pretends to Kill His Own Kid to ‘Prank’ His WifeCool joke.
    By Jessica Roy
  32. can u not
    Turkish President: Women Aren’t Equal to MenHe made the remarks — ironically — at a women’s conference.
    By Jessica Roy
  33. can u not
    Don Lemon Tells Rape Victim How Not to Get Raped“You know, there are ways to not perform oral sex if you didn’t want to do it.”
    By Jessica Roy
  34. can u not
    U.K. Tourism Board Destroys Beloved Childhood Literary Figure in Single TweetAn outrage.
    By Jessica Roy
  35. can u not
    Nightmare Man Mails Ex 15 Baby Chickens As JokeSounds like they deserved each other.
    By Jessica Roy
  36. can u not
    AOL Pays ‘Digital Prophet’ Six-Figure Salary to Brain Fart Cartoons of Bears“Everyone is talking about SoLoMo — social, local, mobile — but they should be talking about HoMo.”
    By Jessica Roy
  37. UPenn Offers ‘Wasting Time on Internet’ CourseBut I already do that for free.
    By Jessica Roy
  38. can u not
    FBI Arrests Creepy Google Employee for Running Nude Photo ScamThis guy sounds like he’s the WORST.
    By Jessica Roy
  39. can u not
    Fox News Host Says Young Women Should ‘Go Back to Tinder’ Instead of VotingCool.
    By Jessica Roy
  40. can u not
    Judge Rules Up-Skirt Photos Don’t Violate PrivacyBecause women have no expectation of privacy in public spaces.
    By Jessica Roy
  41. can u not
    NYPD Reportedly Told Black Teens in Park Slope to ‘Get Out of the Neighborhood’According to a woman who witnessed the incident.
    By Jessica Roy
  42. can u not
    The 3-Boob-Lady Is Already a Halloween CostumeIt’s hilariously bad, too.
    By Jessica Roy
  43. can u not
    Peter Thiel Accuses Twitter Execs of Being High“It’s a horribly mismanaged company — probably a lot of pot-smoking going on there.”
    By Jessica Roy
  44. can u not
    Privileged White Man Still Not Convinced White Privilege Is a ThingAnother hot take from America’s foremost critical race theory scholar.
    By Jessica Roy