This morning, Wednesday, December 19, 2007, Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols of Lexington, Kentucky, were married in the Charmin toilets in Times Square. Well, not in them, near them. The bride was wearing a toilet-paper wedding dress handmade using the Charmin brands Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong, and the groom was wearing a suit hand-knitted exclusively using thread made from the extraordinarily fibrous feces of Charmin bears Amy and Leonard, who also bore witness to the joyous occasion. As Jennifer and Doy pledged their eternal love, friends and family from their hometown expressed their delight by tossing scraps of toilet paper at the happy couple. Then everyone ate cake. Near the toilets. Okay, we were kidding about the poop suit. But the rest is too, too real.
Charmin Squeezes One Last News Item Out of Us
We are heartbroken to report that our favorite object of defecatory dreams — the neat-and-clean-and-always- stocked-with-toilet-paper Charmin public toilets at Times Square — closed on New Year’s Eve. Lest they be forgotten forever, however, the friendly flacks pushing the paper — and, yes, we know we’re currently giving them exactly the PR hit they wanted — inform us that one couple had perhaps the most important night of their young lives in the giant public bathroom. Neal and Jalista, of Easton, Pennsylvania, were engaged on the evening of December 30 in the Charmin space, which apparently they deemed even more romantic than becoming betrothed in the restroom of the ESPN Zone next door. May your lives together remain squeezably soft, you crazy kids!
Earlier: Daily Intel’s coverage of the Charmin toilets.
in other news
One Solution to the City’s Water-Bill ProblemsToday’s Times brings the news that the city’s water bills are so profoundly screwed up that it’s impossible to collect on millions and millions of dollars worth of overdue fees. We’ve uncovered a memo recently sent by the Public Works Department in an attempt to rectify things:
To: Alan G. Lafley, Chairman, President, and CEO, Proctor & Gamble
From: Public Works Department, The City of New York
Date: December 12, 2006
Re: Water bills
Dear Mr. Lafley:
No less than the great American humorist Mark Twain once quipped, “Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.” In light of our recent troubles, the City of New York could not agree more. And, as recent initiatives have made Charmin one of the premier users of our most precious resource, we hope you feel the same way.
Daily Intel Exclusive: Charmin Restroom, Perfect for Partying
We’ve been as excited about Charmin’s free-public-toilet-in–Times Square publicity stunt as the next rag. (Okay, fine, more so.) So of course we went to pay a reportorial visit. And what we didn’t expect was to find the place a completely tripped-out, Clockwork Orange–y disco candyland filled with twirling mirror balls, blue neon, deranged reggae-calypso reworkings of the brand’s jingles, white pleather, and spasmodically dancing employees.
It’s as if Charmin, while doing its New York research, discovered people were going to be doing coke in the stalls anyway, and just, um, rolled with it.
in other news
Finally, You May Squeeze the CharminIt’s not in our typical habit to report on ad-campaign gimmicks, much less “seasonal” ones. This seems worthy of exception, however: Starting next week, Charmin, the toilet-paper maker, will cut out the advertising middlemen and directly ensure that New York City feels the soft touch of Charmin Ultra directly upon its collective ass.
Yes, Charmin is going to open a free public restroom in Times Square, which will function from Monday through the end of the year. It will feature twenty stalls (!), a seating lounge (!!), and a cast of attendants cleaning each stall after each use (!!!). To quote the Times, which even provides a mockup façade of the place (though, thankfully, not the interior), “Charmin representatives will be roaming the streets dressed as toilets.” Hey, just like the old Times Square!
The restroom, incidentally, will take the place formerly occupied by a different kind of shithouse: the departed Bar Code.
Charmin to New York: ‘Go in Style’ [NYT]