Sex Diaries: The Attached VillagerIt’s the Sex and Love issue of New York this week, and for it six New Yorkers kept Sex Diaries that chronicled their sexual lives (or lack thereof) over a period of seven days. Daily Intel has even more diaries, and we’ll bring you a new one each day this week. Today, Jessica Delfino: 30, comedian and dirty folk rocker, East Village, straight and in a relationship.
DAY 1
Midnight: Reunited with boyfriend after he was out of town all week. Trade wet kisses.
12:30 a.m.: Boyfriend tells me we should go home and 69.
12:57 a.m.: Get fondled in the foyer, followed by some love pecks and pokes in the elevator. Steven Tyler would have been proud.
1:27 a.m.: Attack my boyfriend in bed wearing nothing but a softball jersey. He’s watching That ‘70s Show and isn’t responding.
1:32 a.m.: After five minutes of kissing him, he’s still not with the program. Warn him that I’m documenting our sex life. He calls me weird. He caresses my vagina and thighs between eating chocolate-covered raisins while he watches the show.
2:07 a.m.: Sex o’clock. We both win. Me first, as usual.
ByArianne Cohen
in the magazine
In the Colbert Nation, We’re All Young and Invincible
Last night, Stephen Colbert devoted his show’s prime real estate — his “The Word” segment — to the “Young Invincibles,” the health-insurance-forgoing twenty- and thirtysomethings David Amsden profiled in a recent issue of New York. “This is an encouraging trend,” the faux-conservative faux-blowhard commented about Amsden’s piece, “but we have to make sure that forsaking health insurance stays sassy and rad.” With your help, Stephen, we’re sure it will. Comedy Central has the clip, and we’ve got the article.
Hip Replacement [Comedy Central]
The Young Invincibles [NYM]
21 questions
‘Daily Show’ Correspondent John Oliver Fears We’re in the End TimesName: John Oliver
Age: 29
Job: Daily Show correspondent and advisory-board member to Dave Eggers’s writing program, 826NYC. Oliver will perform tonight at Symphony Space at an 826NYC fund-raiser, McSweeney’s Presents: The World, Explained.
Neighborhood: West Village
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
I like the sound of Emily Warren Roebling. Anyone who can finish building the Brooklyn Bridge whilst finding time to be a member of Daughters of the American Revolution is okay by me. Although her implied support of the Boston Tea Party is appalling. The only time throwing tea into the sea would be acceptable would be if you’d pre-boiled the ocean. And added a splash of milk.
cultural capital
Conan O’Brien Owes His Career to a Crank
Four things about Conan O’Brien and his show that we’re pretty sure haven’t been published before, which we learned last night at his rare public appearance — with four of his writers — at the Museum of Television and Radio:
• The character “
cultural capital
New ‘Onion’ Fake News: Actually Fake, Not So FunnyHere’s the remarkable thing about the Onion News Network, the satire stalwart’s first foray into video content: It’s the first televisual product to literally fit the wrongheaded moniker “fake news.” The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, which are regularly saddled with that descriptor, don’t fake the news; they fake the format. ONN — as of this writing, less a network than a Web page with four clips and a Dewar’s ad — finally takes that extra step. Its news items are, indeed, mocked-up rather than simply mocked. This means that both the anchors and the subjects are played, hammily, by actors, and the “news footage” is as scripted as the banter around it. Sadly, though, it is not particularly well scripted, nor particularly amusing.
grub street
David Cross Is Both 12 and 42 Years OldIn the fall and winter, David Cross drinks red wine with “almost every meal.” (In the spring and summer, apparently, it’s beer.) We’d assume he means every non-breakfast meal, but, then, he also has chili for breakfast, so who knows? He even likes red wine with his favorite snack, pretzel rods dipped in Smucker’s all-natural peanut butter, chunky. What else did he have red wine with last week? Find out in the latest New York Diet at Grub Street.
Comedian David Cross Likes His Peanut Butter and Pretzels With a Glass of Wine [Grub Street]
party lines
Reno 911: New York!Reno 911: Miami!, the new movie based on the Comedy Central hit about an incompetent police force, screened last night as part of the Tribeca Cinema Series. The cast — um, we mean the Reno Police Department — was there, and afterward they sat for a Q&A with the audience. New York’s intrepid party reporter had a few questions of her own.
Do you have any advice for the NYPD?
“Lt. Jim Dangle”: My advice for anyone out there who wants to get into law enforcement is learn a trade.
“Deputy Travis Junior”: Learn a skill.
Dangle: Do something valuable.
Junior: Go into like …
Dangle: Soft-core porno.
Junior: Get a Webcam video. Do something that matters and makes a difference …
Dangle: Because crime doesn’t pay, but you get to make your own hours.
Junior: Crime pays better than law enforcement.
in other news
Music and LyricsThe case of Paul Cortez, the personal trainer–musician accused of murdering a dancer who snubbed him, took an odd turn yesterday when the prosecution offered the defendant’s song lyrics as evidence of his violent tendencies. The Times quotes Cortez’s attorney, Dawn Florio, who claimed that songs like “The Killin Machine” were perfectly normal for her client to have written: “Rock stars don’t write about tulips and butterflies,” she explained. Objection, hearsay. — Lori Fradkin
Lyrics and Diaries Offered as a Portrait of a Killer [NYT]
cultural capital
Naked Comedy: Less Arousing Than It Sounds
“Clothing required on your left, clothing optional on your right,” greeted the usher for the Naked Comedy Showcase at the PIT over the weekend. One middle-aged woman shimmied out of her skirt (and everything else) to the tune of “Hey Ya!” with about as much fanfare as someone getting ready for a shower, which provoked not whistles but rather indifference. Host Andy Ofiesh, a pudgy redhead who notes that “my penis is fun size; you can fit the whole thing your mouth,” introduced Tommy D., who’s proud of his copious body hair and man boobs, and had his cell phone tucked into his white socks and sneakers. He read poetry while a tiny bead of a mysterious white substance dripped off his balls onto the ground — the first clue that although this was indeed naked, it wouldn’t necessarily inspire hooking up after the show.
21 questions
Eugene Mirman Is An Excellent NoticerName: Eugene Mirman
Age: 32
Job: Comedian; appearing in tonight’s Laugh Don’t Destroy, a comedy benefit for Develop Don’t Destroy Brooklyn
Neighborhood: Park Slope
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
It’s a toss-up between FDR and Spider-Man.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
I love Brooklyn Fish Camp — lobster knuckles, Louisiana lump crab au gratin, whole fried fish that’s been punched in the face and yelled at — it’s all delicious. Blue Ribbon is also great, and open till 4 a.m. Their foie gras is to die for (at least for the geese).
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
I hold a mirror up to society, and also drink a lot. And I break rules, or at least guidelines.
in other news
Al Franken Decides He’s Good Enough, Smart Enough to Run for SenateIt’s semi-official: Al Franken is running for the U.S. Senate from Minnesota. This info, coming from a “senior Democratic official,” retroactively explains the former Upper West Sider’s hasty exit from Air America earlier this week. (He’d already moved himself and his show back to his home state two years ago.) But those that expect the race to be a nice comic diversion from the other 2008 carnage should look elsewhere. Franken is not a novelty candidate — not that that would be a problem in Minnesota, post–Jesse Ventura — and Republicans there, rather than dusting off old Stuart Smalley clips, are already saying unfunny things like “Minnesotans will reject Franken’s divisive, scorched-earth attacks.” He was also a close friend of Minnesota’s liberal, lamented Paul Wellstone, who died in a plane crash in 2002; a Franken candidacy is likely to invoke the specter of the popular senator. At any rate, this should be interesting.
Franken to Run for Senate in Minnesota [USAT]
party lines
Lewis Black Lost It for CharityPoor Lewis Black. It’s his shtick to be irritated, yes. But usually it’s because he wants to be irritated. At Jon Bon Jovi and Kenneth Cole’s R.S.V.P to HELP benefit last night, the Tribeca Rooftop crowd was so noisy Black couldn’t get a word in — and he wasn’t pleased. The comic launched his act with a tirade about the long Christmas season — and we can’t imagine why that bit didn’t grab the crowd in late January — before growing frustrated with the noise. He first tried to just laugh it off, telling people go ahead and talk, it’s not like anyone’s onstage or anything. But partygoers — who seemed so unfamiliar with the benefit scene that one gal bid $50,000 on a Harley only to rescind it seconds later — took the joke as direction and turned up the volume of their chitchat.
cultural capital
Janeane Garofalo, Mellower With AgeA diminutive, slightly disheveled, and seemingly mellowed with age Janeane Garofalo officially returned to standup last night – and had her first headlining gig in years – at Comix, the new comedy club in the Meatpacking District. “Don’t ask to borrow any money from me,” the notoriously angsty and self-deprecating comic said. “It’s not like that now. My career tanked in 1998. After Mystery Men it was over.” She went on to talk about her dilapidated co-op (an impulse buy circa 1996), her herniated disk (a 2000 injury endured after drunkenly falling off a golf cart), and her decision to quit drinking entirely (see previous parenthetical). She said she now spends her time taking copious notes while watching the History Channel, ruminating on the Big Bang Theory, finding Rachael Ray’s $40 A Day “horribly offensive,” and swooning over any and all incarnations of Pride and Prejudice’s Mr. Darcy. (“I’m not made of wood, people. Come on!”). And Garofalo has even discovered beading; she tossed out handmade necklaces to the eager yupster crowd. —Rachel Wolff
intel
For This Al Gore Invented the Internet?Fresh on the heels of the Chris Hitchens–Graydon Carter–Rachel Sklar debate over whether women are, in fact, not funny, The Morning News today examines a much more important question: Why are Jews so very funny? Writer Wayne Gladstone explains how he once answered the question:
I decided to give my friend the politically correct answer: that the Jews had been forced into comedy by the downsizing of the Zionist government and continued outsourcing of baptized-baby blood-drinking jobs.
Hilarious! Actually, he’s got a longer and more serious analysis that’s worth reading. And when you’re done, keep checking back. We’re eagerly awaiting upcoming features on why black people laugh so loudly and Wasps can’t time punch lines.
The Confession of an American Jew [The Morning News]
intel
Scenes From the East Village: David Cross EditionDramatis personae: Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, and a laughing, unsteadily walking David Cross.
In front of Professor Thom’s, Second Avenue between 13th and 14th Streets. Last night, approximately 1 a.m.
ARNETT, POEHLER, and CROSS exit the bar, where apparently, Fred Armisen was hosting an open-bar birthday party.
CROSS
Oh, man, put another one in the bag!
CROSS staggers across the sidewalk and directly into a news box. The news box falls over and hits the ground with a thunk. CROSS does likewise. CROSS slides across the top of the news box in slow motion, then lies splayed on the ground next to it. ARNETT and POEHLER stand alongside, laughing too hard to help. A minute passes. ARNETT composes himself to offer a hand to CROSS. CROSS, suddenly moving quickly, springs up as if on his fifth Red Bull.
CROSS
See ya!
As quickly as he’d arisen, CROSS disappears into a cab.Exeunt.
— Jada Yuan
the morning line
Goya, Oh, Boy-a!
• The female victim of yesterday’s strange shooting died. The attacked couple, who share a cul-de-sac with the Clintons in Chappaqua, were supposedly run off the road in an ambush. The husband, a disbarred lawyer, is in the hospital; cops are finding his account of the events somewhat odd; and we’re getting a queasy feeling that we’ll be returning to this story quite a bit. [WNBC]
• Good news: New York State’s top court has green-lighted an almost $2 billion increase in funding for New York City’s schools. Bad news: Lower courts had ruled the city deserved $4.7 billion. Squaring the ruling with campaign pledges to boost funding much further is Spitzer’s first homework assignment. [NYT]
• Now that Citigroup is paying the Mets $20 million a year to call the new ballpark Citi Field, the MTA wants in. The Daily News reports that the authority is in talks with the Citi people about renaming the closest subway stop. In other news, meet our new cat Citi. We prefer cash. [NYDN]
• Not sure whether Michael Richards’s appalling comedy-club outburst was our territory — he is, after all, only a fictional New Yorker — but am New York made him a cover story today, so there you go: TV’s Kramer is a racist and sucks at shutting down hecklers. Also, he was weird on Letterman. Video, etc. Blech. [amNY]
• The stolen Goya is back! The FBI recovered 1778’s Children With a Cart, stolen two weeks ago in Pennsylvania, after a New Jersey man recognized the painting “from media coverage.” And not just because it was, you know, a Goya. In New Jersey. [NYP]
cultural capital
The Approval Matrix Meets Comedy Central’s Autism Benefit
We were at the Comedy Central autism benefit the other night — pardon us, the “Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Benefit for Autism Research,” which raised more than $2 million — minding our own reportorial business on the red carpet, when Will “Gob Bluth” Arnett, came bounding over to talk to us. Why? Because it seems he’s an Approval Matrix fan. “I’m just trying to stay on the highbrow-brilliant side of things,” he told us. “Although maybe asking to get on the Matrix is considered lowbrow-despicable. I’ll let the people decide. I don’t mind being despicable. All I care is that I’m highbrow, either way.”
We’d actually say asking to be on the Matrix is more lowbrow than despicable, but, still, Arnett will always be highbrow to us. With his inspiration, a quasi-Matrixy look at the event.