Regis Philbin Wears a SpeedoThat’s right. The Rege fancies a banana hammock. Reflect on that for a moment, then click through to read about all of the other things the rich and famous did in the Hamptons this past weekend.
2/19/08: The Day Liz Smith Lost Her Damn MindGossip columnist Liz Smith devoted half of her column today to the coming of the end of the world. Not the financial crisis or the release if Sex and the City: The Movie but the actual end of the world. “Scientific experts from around the world are genuinely predicting that less than five years from now, all life on Earth could well finish,” she begins, and then goes on a longish tear about the I-Ching and Nostradamus and natural disasters “such as the volcano under Yellowstone Park that seems ready to erupt again and produce thousands of deaths and affiliated deaths the world over from a volcanic winter. No sun, no crops, starvation.” Well, shit. What really kills us is that we only just noticed that Liz had put this important information out there. If we had read it earlier, we might have spent the past few hours differently. We might have, for instance, gone out for real coffee instead of drinking the gross kind from the machine, or not watched that random TMZ video with Tyson Beckford falling over, or not spent all that time comparing our nipples to those of Lindsay Lohan. But according to Lizstradamus, you can’t change all your behavior just because the end of the world is nigh! “You might as well relax. You can’t do a damned thing about this in any case,” she admonishes kindly. Great! We’re going to read all about how Donnie Deutsch thinks positive is the new black now.
No Room For Doom [NYP]
The Nine Media Lives of Tina BrownTina Brown signed a deal to develop story ideas and shows for HBO. Donny Deutsch celebrated his 50th-birthday party at the Jazz at Lincoln Center with lobster tail and foie gras. Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are having trouble yachting around on their Caribbean honeymoon because there’s a massive fuel strike on St. Barts. (Weinstein’s friends also sent him a lot of video congratulations on the day of his wedding.) Lydia Hearst is mad that her name is being attached to Darfur awareness events without her permission. Gay activist Allen Roskoff keeps George Bush toilet paper at his Jane Street apartment.
Donny Deutsch: Britney Spears and Ann Coulter Are Sisters in ExistentialismWith the holidays upon us, Donny Deutsch is kind of feeling charitable toward Ann Coulter. At the annual Michael J. Fox Foundation’s “A Groovy Thing Happened on the Way to Cure Parkinson’s” fête at the Sheraton on Saturday, Donny had forgiven Coulter for her “Jews need to be perfected” rant during a recent Big Idea appearance. “What was shocking was that it wasn’t a bit. It was very genuine,” the big D told us. But, he clarified, “I don’t think she’s an anti-Semite.” Huh? “She’s gotten to the point where she’s so detached from her words … it’s the same reason Britney Spears will crash her car again. Because she doesn’t exist until she crashes her car. Ann Coulter doesn’t exist until she says those types of things.” Wow, that’s like a koan for our time: Without Car Crashes, Britney Exists Not. “I think [Coulter] genuinely felt bad afterwards,” Donny continued. “I think she saw me personally offended. It’s like seeing the hate crime in front of you.” Donny even said he’s ready to send Ann a Hanukkah present. “A muzzle!” he suggested. “And a Jewish history lesson.” God bless us, every one. —Justin Ravitz
Earlier: The Internet Finally Thinks of a Response to Ann Coulter
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The Internet Finally Thinks of a Comeback for Ann CoulterFor some reason, Ann Coulter’s comment that Jews should be “perfected” has really gotten the Internet going (as opposed to her comments that 9/11 widows are “self-obsessed” and “enjoying” their husbands’ deaths, or that John Edwards is a “faggot,” yadda yadda yadda). Coulter said the quote to Donny Deutsch (a Jew) on his show, The Big Idea, last week. But like you, the Internet sometimes comes up with its best responses several days after a slight is delivered. Like today’s salvo from a hacker, who broke into Coulter’s Website and put up an open letter purporting to be from the ice queen herself. “I’ve been participating in a charade for nearly eleven years, now. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it,” wrote the faux Coulter. “You have all been a part of a sick joke that I began considering shortly after first getting on the air. At first, it was quite interesting to see how people would react when I would use twisted logic and poorly masked bigotry. But eleven years is a long time to be living a fake life, and I can no longer tolerate this falsity.” It was funny because it uncannily said what most people (okay, most people we know) assume has been going on in Coulter’s head all along. Equally harsh was Maxim.com’s effort, the image you can see above. It’s a map of how Coulter herself can be “perfected.” At first we thought it wasn’t as clever (“remove swastika from heiny?”), but then we realized that when Coulter sees the instruction “remove penis or make smaller,” she’s totally going to be mad she didn’t say that about Hillary Clinton first.
Ann Coulter Proclaims Herself a Sick Joke, But Is It All a Sick Joke? [Jezebel]
Perfecting Ann Coulter [Maxim]
Baby Deutsch, Baby TrumpLindsay Lohan flipped out at a GQ-sponsored dinner because she was seated next to Jessica Biel’s assistant — who used to work for Lindsay. (Related: Lohan has merely been in three car accidents, not four). Russell Crowe was dumped by his publicist, may have done something to warrant a late-night trip to a Santa Fe emergency room. Jay McInerney and Anne Hearst eloped, to honeymoon in the same spot that TomKat did. 60 Minutes to run more stories from other reporters (including A-Coop) to fill Ed Bradley’s slots. Bill O’Reilly will host an anti-immigration fund-raiser in Soho. Donny Deutsch will have a baby Deutsch. Michael Richards isn’t technically a member of the tribe, though he does like to think of himself as one. (Actually, he’s a Freemason!) Tony Parker and Eva Longoria got engaged. D’you hear? The founders of Spy have a book out. The chairman of Walt Disney Studios got a cheap laugh at a media conference making a joke about the Post, the Post reports. The Bachelor took the woman who won his heart for burgers at P.J. Clarke’s. Sheryl Crow is the new face of Revlon. Chazz Palminteri, of A Bronx Tale fame, is trying to bring his cabaret show to Broadway. Donald Trump Jr. spent more than $3,000 on a crib.