Enough With the Effing Osmonds!A brief rant: All morning today Good Morning America has been shrieking about how all the original members of the Von Trapp Osmond Family Singers are all performing together for the first time since Iwo Jima or something. Does anybody care? Is there any one person in this country who wakes up in the morning and thinks, Maybe today is the day the Osmonds will reunite? We didn’t understand all the hullabaloo when Oprah had all 2,500 of them onstage in November, and we still don’t understand it now. If they had all the Jacksons onstage together, that would be one thing. But the Osmonds? There isn’t even one named Jermajesty! And why are they always smiling? They’re Mormons, not Scientologists. It’s just creepy.
Diane Sawyer Forgets to Ask Katie Holmes About the HubbaspermDiane Sawyer interviewed Katie Holmes on Good Morning America yet neglected to ask her about the rumor that she was impregnated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm. New York Giants Plaxico Burress, Antonio Pierce, and Ruben Droughns went to Home nightclub in Manhattan after flying back from Dallas and ordered $1,000 of Bacardi, vodka, and Champagne, but forgot to tip their waitress. Waiters at Brasserie 44 in the Royalton Hotel thought they discovered Frank Bruni’s notebook, but it turned out to belong to someone else (and they slipped in some Bruni ass-kissing to boot!). Jil Scott picked up a male model at an Allure fashion shoot and took him to Nobu. Keith Olbermann’s quote to Playboy that “Fox News is worse than Al-Qaeda” did not go over well with many of the magazine’s readers.
Oprah’s Politics ClubOprah is throwing a $2,300-a-head fund-raiser for Barack Obama at her ranch in Montecito, California, and it’s sold out. Writer Robert Olen Butler’s wife, Elizabeth Dewberry, left him for Ted Turner, perhaps because Turner resembles the grandfather who once molested her. The Good Morning America intern who posed nude (for Playboy) is named Lace Rose Allenius, and she once dated Matt Dillon. Mayor Bloomberg, Donald Trump, Billy Crystal, and Joe Torre won a charity golf tourney by nine strokes. Uma Thurman is dating Elle Macpherson’s ex, Swiss banker Arky Busson. Lindsay Lohan’s bodyguard has received half-million-dollar offers to sell her out, but he won’t do it. Members of Usher’s camp maintain that fiancée Tameka Foster made up her “baby scare” so Usher would talk to her. Cindy Sheehan sang along to Cypress Hills’ “Fuck the Pigs” while drinking beer at a Randalls Island concert.
Bad Days at ABC, NBCMEDIA
• Eric Wishnie, an NBC News producer who was fired in 2006 for substance-abuse problems, fell to his death from his West Village rooftop. [NYDN]
• Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts announced that she has breast cancer. [ABC News]
• Condé Nast is expanding in India and expected to launch editions of Glamour, GQ, Condé Nast Traveler, Vanity Fair, and Wired. Vogue will launch in September. [FT]
Curb Your MarriageLarry David and his environmental-activist wife, Laurie, have separated. Today show staffers refer to Good Morning America as “Gay-MA”; GMA staffers refer to Today as “Yesterday.” Marc Jacobs is back on with boyfriend Jason Preston and even got Preston’s initials tattooed on his stomach. Graydon Carter thinks of Vanity Fair’s publisher as a dancing monkey. Eric Alterman claims his arrest was a “misunderstanding”; police claim they asked him to leave a private reception area seven times and that Alterman was “belligerent.” Vanessa Minnillo is gaining a rep with TV insiders as being difficult to work with, and photos of her posing with Lindsay Lohan and a knife aren’t helping.
Judi, Judi, JudiAmong the skits to be put on by the city’s political journos at the upcoming Inner Circle roast is one featuring Judi Giuliani as a blow-up sex doll. Us Weekly, Star, and other weekly tabloids are upping their negative coverage of Brangelina because they are sick of getting scooped by People. A handful of people are angling for a portion of deceased Dr. Robert Atkins’s $600 million estate. Mike Bloomberg’s 98-year-old mother sometimes pretends she’s not related to him so people don’t ask her to hook their grandkids up with jobs. NBC’s Today show is losing serious ground to ABC’s Good Morning America and even CBS’s Early Show in the ratings game. Charlie Rose and Amanda Burden may not be broken up, despite reports they are. Jay-Z has plans to ink a deal with Champagne label Ace of Spades to replace Cristal as his drink of choice.
Stalkers, Anchors, and a Show Tune–Lovin’ GeneralStalkers are threatening Audioslave front man Chris Cornell’s children, prompting him to install a high-end security system. Diane Sawyer skipped a GMA party, either because she was sick or because she’s leaving the show. General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, went to see Hairspray. Christie Brinkley makes wake-up calls at Hyatt hotels. Ellen Barkin didn’t want to work when she was married. Quentin Tarantino has a new girlfriend, who sucked his fingers. Barbra Streisand didn’t like her suite at the Carlyle. Neither Robin Williams nor Jon Stewart is running for president. Melinda Gates and Warren Buffett went to a Titanic exhibit in San Francisco. Cheeta, Tarzan’s retired, now-74-year-old chimp sidekick, wouldn’t sit for an interview, drank Diet Coke instead. Candace Bushnell’s Sirius radio show launches today. Hillary Swank went on vacation at Donatella Versace’s house. Diddy bought an eight-foot teddy bear. Bobby Kennedy’s family likes Bobby. Three West 27th Street club owners also have roles in movies. Jimmy Buffet takes vitamins, not Ecstasy.