Imaginary Eavesdropping on Raffaello Follieri and the Sultan of BruneiThis morning, “Page Six” reported that the Sultan of Brunei and Raffaello Follieri met for lunch at the Dorchester Hotel, in London. Confused as to what the Sultan, who is famously estranged from his rogue brother, Jeffri, was doing with the rogue Italian businessman/Anne Hathaway boyfriend, we attempted to imagine what they might be talking about over tea and scones.
The Sultan of Brunei: Hello, Hathaello.
Raffaello: Hello, your majesty. Er, your Sultan-ity?
The Sultan of Brunei: No need to be so formal! Please, call me Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Mu’izzaddin Waddaulah. And how are you, today, Hathaello.
Raffaello: Um, I’m fine. And, by the way, it’s not a big deal, but my name is Raffaello. Hathaello is this name that some people gave to me and my girlfriend, together.
The Sultan of Brunei: What? You mean Anne Hathaway isn’t coming to this lunch? I have been watching that scene from Brokeback Mountain when she and Jake are in the backseat of the car, on repeat, all week just to prepare myself.
Raffaello: Oh, wow.
The Sultan of Brunei: I also loved her in The Princess Diaries. Very poised.
Raffaello: Yes, she is.
The Sultan of Brunei: So why did you want to meet me today, over lunch at the Dorchester in London, if not just to dash my dreams of meeting the star of the Devil Wears Prada? And how did you get here so quickly? I just read that you were at the Miss Sixty show. I love the fringed mukluks they’re doing this year.
Raffaello: I took a private jet, which I paid for with my World Missions Visa credit card. One percent of net purchases go to … the Society for the Propagation of the Faith.
The Sultan of Brunei: Is that like the Human Fund?
Raffaello: Kinda. Anyway, you see, I’m looking to expand my business, and I need backers. I just ended my financial relationship with Ron Burkle —
The Sultan of Brunei: Oh! I know him! We met through our mutual friend, Blanket. You might know of his dad, Michael Jackson.
in other news
Sultan of Brunei Feuds With Brother, Orders Palace Hotel SoldPrince Jeffri Bolkiah, the younger brother of Hassanal Bolkiah, the Sultan of Brunei, has been ordered by the Court of Brunei to sell off the Palace Hotel, among other properties, according to the Times of London. The Sultan and Jeffri haven’t spoken in the past two years; according to the Sultan, his brother owes him upwards of 3 billion pounds. Jeffri disputes this, but since Brunei’s constitution (written by the Sultan) says His Majesty “can do no wrong in either his personal or any official capacity,” well, he’s pretty much screwed. Which is why in the past few years Jeffri’s sold off, according to the Times, “400 Victorian lampposts, two unused Mercedes-Benz fire engines, several hundred Louis XIV gilt chairs, a fleet of forklift trucks, jewelry, the machinery to operate a bowling alley and 16,000 tonnes of Italian marble which were stored in 21 warehouses,” as well as his 180-foot yacht, which he had lovingly named Tits. We are absolutely bowled over by this information. Not by the insane amount of wealth possessed by these people or the oil-rich country’s bizarre oligarchical structure but by the implications this has for Gossip Girl. Is the character of Chuck, whose family owns the Palace on the show, actually a reference to notorious playboy Jeffri? It’s more multilayered than we thought! We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. Those people are geniuses.
Sultan’s Brother To Repay Billions [Times of London]