Build a Nicolas Cage Museum
Before blaming his money problems on his accountant last year, Nicolas Cage blew millions on fifteen mansions, a pair of castles, a Gulfstream jet, four yachts, 22 cars, loads of art and jewelry, real shrunken human heads, a tyrannosaur skull, and a pyramid tomb in which he hopes to someday be buried. Bailing him out—perhaps by buying back some of the properties he’s lost recently to foreclosure—would get Colony more than just a stake in the next National Treasure movie: The firm could open the world’s first Nicolas Cage museum to showcase the actor’s real treasures.
Buy MGM—If Only for Bond
After the Miramax deal closes, Colony should purchase MGM, whose $4 billion debt load has scared off some bidders. Included in the deal would be a still-functioning studio with upcoming projects like Peter Jackson’s Hobbit movies, as well as Hollywood’s deepest movie library. But the entire deal could be worth it simply for the perennially money-printing James Bond franchise. Colony could open a chain of Bond-themed hotels and casinos, where guests could vacation like 007.
Make Wesley Snipes a Political Phenom
In 2008, Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in prison for failing to file tax returns; he was finally ordered to surrender last week. Snipes no longer has much of a movie career, but in exchange for covering his back taxes and setting him up with a booking agent (and a better accountant!), Colony could be sitting on the tea party’s biggest VIP, second only to Sarah Palin.
Distribute The Beaver
For obvious reasons, the domestic release of Mel Gibson’s next movie, The Beaver—in which his character communicates through a beaver puppet—has been delayed indefinitely. But advance word on the movie is good, and despite everything, surely you’re a little curious. Summit Entertainment has reportedly already recouped The Beaver’s $20 million budget in foreign sales, so it might be willing to sell the American rights to Colony for cheap. And even if the film flops, the sale would at least put Barrack in business with Summit, makers of those Twilight movies he’s so fond of.
Insure Lindsay Lohan
Last week, Lindsay Lohan lost her potential comeback role in the Linda Lovelace biopic Inferno,with the director citing her current unavailability and the “impossibility of insuring her.” When she’s out of court-mandated rehab in January, though, covering her insurance bond on a small indie film might be worth the investment. Both Robert Downey Jr. and Mickey Rourke were once uninsurable, after all. And even if Lohan were to fall out of that project, too, her involvement in anything has a way of raising a film’s profile (Inferno is now history’s most anticipated Malin Ackerman movie).