Illustration by Tony Millionaire

People say you can’t even make fun of Barack Obama. They say he’s like actor Will Smith, he’s just so cool, calm, collected—doesn’t get rattled. Well for those who say we can’t make fun of Barack Obama, this is still America, so I say, Yes, we can; yes, we can; yes, we can … First of all, he’s nothing like actor Will Smith. I saw the movies Independence Day and Men in Black. Will Smith secured the borders and took care of the aliens.
Eric Golub, frequent performer at tea-party rallies and conservative youth events

Friggin’ Obama. Look, I like him personally like everybody else. I don’t like his politics. But can we quit calling him the first black president? This guy makes Bryant Gumbel look like Flavor Flav. My nipples are darker than Obama. If you’re not darker than my nipples, you’re not black.
Nick DiPaolo, regular on Comedy Central and occasional guest on Louie

I’m going to miss [Nancy Pelosi] once a year at the State of the Union. That was my favorite night, when she’d sit there over the president’s shoulder. Have you ever seen anybody put that much thought into doing absolutely nothing? She would sit there alternatingly blinking like the Yul Brynner robot on a rainy day at Westworld, and then she’d go dead-eye like the shark eating Robert Shaw in Jaws. Then she’d hit the power on the twitch rate again and go back up. What is that twitch rate? It makes a hummingbird’s wings look positively glacial.
Dennis Miller, regular guest on The O’Reilly Factor

JEFF DUNHAM: Achmed, since you’re clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?
JD: But you used to be Muslim.
A: No. Look at me. I’m too extreme. I was Catholic.
JD: Really?
A: And Methodist, Buddhist, and Baptist, and Capricorn.
JD: Wait a minute, what are you doing?
A: I’m trying to offend as many infidels as possible.
Jeff Dunham, ventriloquist and creator of the film Achmed Saves America

They want to build a mosque next to ground zero. Okay, you can build a mosque next to ground zero if we can build a 40-story Hooters in downtown Mecca. It’s a two-way street. It’ll work out beautifully. We’ll share the P.A. system at 5 o’clock. “Malach-he-neh-malaech-he-ne-ne; Don’t forget our hot wings special!; Malach-he-ne-ne; Coors Light, three for a buck!; Malach-he-ne-ne; try the pork—Muslims, you don’t know what you’re missing. It’s the other white meat you hate; malach-he-ne-ne.” We’re all laughing right now—about a week from now you’ll see me on a website on my knees blindfolded with four guys behind me with machine guns and ski masks reading out of the Koran. “Oh, hot wings special, very funny infidel! Not so funny now, huh, motherfucker?!”

These people aren’t very smart. They love to think they’re smart, but Bush may have mispronounced nuclear, but he didn’t need a teleprompter. But they love to think they’re so smart. They’re not smart. They’re idiots. Somebody asked Barack Obama about the Sunni and Shia, he said, “I love ‘I Got You, Babe.’ ” They asked him about Hamas, he said, “Goes good with pita bread.”
—Evan Sayet, author of The KinderGarden of Eden: How the Modern Liberal Thinks

The thing is I was born right wing, I was born a Republican, because I was born in the Soviet Union. That’ll make a Republican out of you. But the funny part is my family was able to come over here because of the efforts of the American Jewish community, which is like all liberals. I just know they’re kicking themselves now. They’re like, damn, if we had known you were going to turn out Republican, we would have left your ass in Russia.
Julia Gorin, pundit and author of Clintonisms: The Amusing, Confusing, and Even Suspect Musing of Billary

I’m a Christian, I’m a conservative, and I believe that the United States is the greatest country on Earth. And because of those three belief systems, when I die, I’ll be stuffed and mounted and put in the Smithsonian under the WHY HE NEVER GOT HIS OWN SITCOM display.
Brad Stine, Christian stand-up and faith-film actor