One-liners From Headliners

Photo Illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images

Amy Poehler (Nov. 11 at 9 p.m.)
“President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati’s great American ballpark. 18 Iraqis were killed.”

Andy Borowitz (Nov. 7 at 8 p.m.)
“Ahmadinejad invites U.N. inspectors to search for homosexuals. Permits Use of Advanced Gaydar.”

Artie Lange (Nov. 9 and 11 at 9 p.m.)
“Trekkies are not the best with women. Shatner’s responsible for more people not getting laid than impotence.”

Bill Maher (Nov. 10 at 7:30 p.m.)
“The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, ‘What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?’”

Bob Saget (Nov. 6 at 6:30 p.m.)
“A lot of younger girls come up to me and they go, ‘oh my God I grew up watching you.’ And I say, ‘oh that’s great, now you can go down watching me.’”

Conan O’Brian (Nov. 7 at 8 p.m.)
“This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a web site because the website targets homosexual men. The ad said, ‘Uncle Sam Wants You … Bad.’”

Denis Leary (Nov. 8 at 8 p.m.)
“I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass.”

Rosie O’Donnell (Nov. 6 at 8 p.m.)
“Real women weigh over 200 and you know it. You know, for a lesbian I’m almost Paris Hilton, really. Although I would have had a lot more fun in prison than she did.”

Sarah Silverman (Nov. 7 at 8 p.m.)
“Whether you’re black, white, or Asian, we’re all the same. Well, just those three.”

Click here for a full list of the performances.

One-liners From Headliners