Severance Pay

Lewis Black, comedian, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart: “I like Jon, but I’m not giving him body parts. He’d have to hire guys to come in the night and cut them off me. Money, he’s got it. I could hear his confession and absolve him. Since I’m Jewish and we were here first, I’m allowed to do that.”

Matthew Hiltzik, spokesman for Harvey Weinstein: “Offer him a limitless supply of carb-free M&Ms, but only if he’d share.”

Ricky Roehr, presiding bishop, the USA Raelian Movement: “I would give Him anything He would ask for, including my life, which I already dedicate to Those who sent Him.”

Sunny Mindel, PR director, Giuliani Partners: “I have given up five years of sleep.”

Augusten Burroughs, memoirist, Dry: “Not many of my parts work well enough to give to anybody. Who wants some old liver that’s seen every bar in Manhattan at least twice?”

Bonnie Fuller, David Pecker’s No. 2, American Media: “There’s not much I wouldn’t do for David. I don’t know if I would give him a kidney—he hasn’t asked … yet!”

Jared Shapiro, Star reporter and Bonnie Fuller’s ex-assistant: “Is a raise or a promotion involved? Bonnie, need a kidney?”

Severance Pay