Hello, good evening, everybody. It’s so nice to be with you and such a change from what I had today … you see that I’m specially dressed … not for you! I just came from heaven… . You see, for Jews to call God is a local call.
Resurrecting the New York Post was my biggest success. Editors all ask me, “do you know how to write?” I said yes. They said, “What kind of writing do you do?” I said, “All I write is checks.”
The Daily News has become so jealous … they’re changing editors more often than Donald Trump changes wives.
I figured out Jesus Christ could not have been Jewish. He went for the Last Supper, but if He’d been Jewish, He’d have gone for the early-bird special.
How did I develop the idea of an open-air garage? Because cars don’t catch cold in winter.
Why did God create Gentiles? Because we Jews needed someone to buy retail.