Quarter Pounder

If he makes the Giants over heavy competition from Bachelor Jesse Palmer, Kevin Thompson, and Ryan Van Dyke, 23-year-old free agent Jared Lorenzen will be the biggest quarterback in the NFL—maybe ever. At six foot three and 288 pounds, the Kentucky alum weighs 28 pounds more than the reigning QB heavyweight, Daunte Culpepper, and 70 pounds more than his team’s new starting passer, Eli Manning. Just after his first trip to New York for the Giants’ minicamp, Lorenzen spoke to Jada Yuan from his parents’ house in Fort Thomas, Kentucky (population: 16,500).

So, what did you think of New York?
It’s huge! I mean, it dwarfs Cincinnati. It’s, like, eight Cincinnatis.

Given Manning’s choice of San Diego or New York, which would you have picked?
New York! When I’m done with football, I want to go into media. I want to write.

Have you researched the restaurants here?
Not yet. I figure that’s the last thing I need to do.

Did Jeremy Shockey take you out on the town?
No. I still want to try it once. He was telling some stories.

What sort of stories?
That’s locker-room stuff.

Forget Shockey and Eli—what can Jesse the Bachelor teach you about making out?
Well, I’m good at that. No complaints. I’m engaged to my high-school sweetheart. We have a daughter. So I don’t do well with the ladies now. They don’t talk to me at all.

Rate your hick factor on a scale of 1 to 10.
God. Personally, I’m a 5 or a 6, but if I’m around other Kentucky people, we can share some stories. I’ve never gone to a tractor pull or anything. I have all my teeth. I floss, too. But I am guilty: My dad owns a farm.

Growing up, was The Dukes of Hazzard your favorite show?
No! It was Saved by the Bell.

How many men does it take to bring you down?
I don’t want to get any NFL people mad, but they have to bring a little extra. I’m not going down because you grabbed my shirt. In college, I’d have a couple of linemen and safeties wrapped around me and I could still get the ball off.

What’s the big plan for slimming down?
Giving up southern food, anything fried. There’s a lady, a nutritionist I’m going to be working with so I can get this under control. I really want to be healthy. And if it gives me a better shot at making the team, that’s what I want.

Are you just big-boned?
I came out of the womb thirteen [pounds] three [ounces].

Wow. Does your mother still resent you?
She hates me. She won’t talk to me. No, she gained over 120 pounds with me, but she has to love me. She doesn’t have a choice, and I mean, God love her, she’s had four kids, and none of us were under ten pounds. We put her through a lot of agony.

What’s your favorite nickname?
J.Load. I figure if I say it enough, she’s gonna want to meet me. Hefty Lefty. Round Mound of Touchdown.

What do these words mean to you: Dr. Atkins. Supersize me.
Atkins. I love that man. He made me drop a lot of weight in a hurry. Unfortunately, as soon as I ate a piece of bread, it all went back on. “Supersize me.” I’ve said that phrase many, many times. As long as Biggie-sizing doesn’t go away, I think I’ll be all right.

Quarter Pounder