In the Year 2012: ‘Yo, Pass the Torch!’

New York City – along with other, less glamorous metropolises – is angling for the 2012 Olympic Games. But were they to take place here, we’d need local-style exhibition sports. We propose the following:

Speed kvetching Contestants meet at the home of Susan Sontag and complain about a rapid succession of topics selected by Jackie Mason and Times “Coping” columnist Felicia R. Lee.

Construction-site relay Organized labor closes down Columbus Circle in order to compete in the following events: smoking, eating, and standing around looking at chicks.

Synchronized VIP-ing Two competitors from each team must cut to the front of the line at various fund-raisers, hot restaurants, and club openings. U.S. Dream Team: Paris and Nicky Hilton.

Team New Yorker cartoon display Points are awarded for taste and judgment in selecting which uproarious squibs should adorn a cubicle and, in subsequent rounds, office fridge and newsletter.

400-meter Times Square tourist dodge Contestants sprint, uninjured, along Broadway from 40th to 48th Street while Total Request Live is taping. World record: 87 minutes 14 seconds, Nkema Botunga of Kenya.

P. Diddy biathlon Combines two events: pistol shooting and SUV street racing.

In the Year 2012: ‘Yo, Pass the Torch!’