Ten Things That Look Too Gay

1. CLOGS: If you are not a chef, or lack some other compelling podiatric reason for wearing them in public, clogs are a little too, uh, cloggy. It looks like you belong on a paint can or with your finger in a dike.

2. TOO INTERESTING FOOTWEAR: This includes anything that looks like it was once part of a pony. Or patent-leather shoes – especially white Guccis with hardware. The only reason for having a bit on your shoe is if you plan on putting your foot in your mouth.

3. TWO EARRINGS: I don’t care if you’re a power forward in the NBA, wearing earrings in both ears – especially matching ones – is a little too symmetrical. If The Odd Couple were made today, Felix Unger would wear two earrings.

4. LEATHER PANTS: Ooh, mack daddy! Where’s the motorcycle? Probably parked at the Y-M-C-A.

5. SYNTHETIC-FUR COATS: The teddy-bear- or gorilla-looking variety – like the one that the spandex guy on Queer as Folk wears. There should be a People for the Ethical Treatment of Synthetics.

6. THE UNIFORM: A monochromatic dark-blue or black Gucci or Prada head-to-toe ensemble with peg-leg pants doesn’t really make you look too gay – it makes you look too gay-hotel-doorman.

7. PATTERN ON PATTERN: A plaid buttondown under a plaid jacket with a Burberry tie? It might have looked good on that mannequin in the window – but he never moves. Too display-department.

8. TIGHT STRETCH SPANDEX OR LYCRA: Unnecessary muscles are way demodé, especially when worn in conjunction with tight T-shirts. Pumping irony is much preferable.

9. GOATEES, CHIN PUBES, AND TIN TIN HAIRCUTS: You know that butch crop, waxed up in the front like a wave about to break? Suddenly, there are an awful lot of guys who look like Tin Tin on lower Eighth Avenue – and even he looked cuter when he was 12. Too NAMBLA.

10. BLEACHED OR FROSTED HAIR: Billy Idol today, Quentin Crisp tomorrow. And don’t even think about plucking your eyebrows.

Ten Things That Look Too Gay