The Martha Stewart Bar Crawl

Because in times of crisis, a stiff drink is a good thing.

It's a safe bet that in the wake of ImClonegate, Martha will no longer require the services of Merrill Lynch's Peter Bacanovic. What better place to pick up a new broker than the Bull & Bear Pub in the Waldorf Astoria? Note to Martha: Don't look at the stock ticker that runs the length of one wall.
301 Park Ave., at 49th St.; 212-872-4900

She may be in trouble, but that doesn't mean Martha is neglecting her legendary attention to detail. At Joe's Pub on Lafayette Street, she can enjoy a frosty cocktail while observing Kmart shoppers across the street. Are those Martha Stewart Everyday Tropical Blossoms Beach Towels still selling? She better hope so!
425 Lafayette St., near Astor Place; 212-539-8777
Martha Stewart Omnimedia's glorious headquarters in Chelsea's Starrett-Lehigh Building have everything the domestic diva could want: spectacular views, a pristine TV studio, and a terrified staff desperate to avoid Martha's notorious wrath. All it lacks is a wet bar. Luckily, there's Open, down the street, for when Martha needs a quick nip in the middle of the day.
559 W. 22nd St. , at 11th Ave.; 212-243-1851
One place Martha won't be hanging out is the brand-new Trailer Park Lounge. A sensory onslaught of pink flamingoes, plastic plants, Elvis kitsch, and vintage tabloids, this shrine to poor taste is a decorating disaster even Martha couldn't fix. She would, however, appreciate the resourcefulness that went into the cocktails — the Paradise Hawaiian Style is served in a pineapple!
271 W. 23rd St., bet. 7th and 8th Aves., 212-463-8000
If Martha's detractors hang out at Trailer Park, her loyal peeps — the folks who reside alongside her on Page Six — can be found at the Hudson Bar, in the Hudson Hotel. Martha can find solace in the like-minded, boldface company here; plus, the fabulous Philippe Starck design will satisfy her aesthetic needs.
Hudson Hotel, 356 W. 58th St. , bet. 8th and 9th Aves., 212-554-6343
If Martha needs advice making court appearances and coping with prison time, she might want to consult recent tabloid fixture Al Taubman. Is he hanging out at Bid, the restaurant in the Sotheby's lobby, while he appeals his price-fixing conviction? Martha might also want to think about putting some of those antiques of hers on the auction block to raise some quick cash.
1334 York Ave., at 71st St., 212-988-7730
Will Martha really be "exonerated of all this ridiculousness," as she claims? She could head to Happy Ending, the Chinatown men's club-turned-hip-lounge for a little positive reinforcement.
302 Broome St., 212-334-9676
…Or will she end up doing time at Sing Sing? A visit to the East Village karaoke bar of the same name won't prepare Martha for the travails of prison life, but at least she can drown her sorrows in cheap Budweiser and a few rounds of "Back on the Chain Gang," "Wanted Dead or Alive," or, better yet, "Good Thing!"
81 Avenue A, between 5th and 6th Sts.