Remedies for Hazardous Guests

The Tactless Friend and His Surprise
Move the most socially adept person at their table somewhere else in order to squeeze in the extra body. Allow yourself to be a little deceitful: Ask one of your friends to mention to him that you deserve a much better wedding gift after this.

The Hot Ex With That Crazy Look in
Her Eye
Don’t play the songs they used to make out to in college, and assign a groomsman to keep her occupied on the dance floor (and from overfrequenting the open bar). And make sure the party’s fun: A room full of bored guests is a breeding ground for controversy.

The $250 Spent in Vain, or, The Blatant No-Show
Compose yourself: Maybe there was an emergency. Console yourself: Someone who ditches a wedding isn’t the kind of guest you wanted anyway. Reward yourself: Hold this over the head of whomever convinced you to invite him or her.

The Drunk Friend Yelling Into the Mic About College Party Hijinks
Have a guest book people can write in—it’ll dissipate some of the pressure sloppy-drunk people feel to overshare intimate and potentially incriminating anecdotes. If all else fails, locate the plug and be prepared to accidentally pull it. Whoops!

The Venomous, Divorced F.O.B. and M.O.B.
If you sense an imminent tantrum, play one of those happy, humbling, all-ages-welcome, group-led wedding dances (i.e. the Electric Slide). Even if you’re not Jewish, cue the hora. Being thrown up in a chair will release endorphins, and thus kill some of the pain.

The Freeloading Crasher Hitting on Your New Sister-in-Law
If he’s a well-dressed, handsome, apparently sane dude who popped in out of curiousity and was roped in by an equally curious bridesmaid, no real harm done. But if he’s an arrant creep scooping caviar out of tins with his fingers and obviously on the prowl by the bar, call security.

Illustrations by Andy Friedman

Remedies for Hazardous Guests