How to Shop for a Strap-On

SpareParts’s Joque Harness was namechecked by three different experts, all of whom said that if you’re ready to invest in a high-quality workhorse harness that can last for years, this would be the one to get. “It’s been an OG harness for a really long time. I got my first Joque harness, my God, about ten years ago now,” saysRachel Gellert, a sexuality educator and owner of independent sex shopCrush. Pleasure educatorCarly S. says that it’s one of her favorite harnesses because the ring is built into the harness, so you don’t have to worry about switching out different rings, and the Velcro straps make it highly adjustable to suit different body types. And Tomchesson calls it “the designer sneaker of harnesses,” adding that because the harness is made out of nylon, it’s durable and easy to clean: “If you have multiple partners or are going to a play party, you can just throw it in the wash after.”

For a more entry-level option, Gellert likes the Ember harness from the brand Sportsheets, which is priced very accessibly. “It’s very easy to use. It has a rubber ring so it’s pretty adjustable with different toys,” she says. It also has a removable cover at the base, which can be unhooked in case the wearer wants to use it in tandem with a double-sided dildo or a different type of toy, she explains. That makes it fairly versatile for someone just starting out who wants to experiment to see what works best for them.

Leather harnesses require a bit more upkeep and can certainly get expensive, especially when it comes to custom work, but Tomchesson says they’re worth the investment. She’s owned a leather harness from Aslan Leather for about 15 years now and reports that it’s still going strong. “The hardware they use is dependable, and they fit a range of bodies,” she says. “If you’re sharing your harness with a partner and one of you likes to wear it as a thong and the other likes to wear it as a two-strap, it can be adjusted.” It comes in a range of colors besides standard black, like sky blue and magenta pink, and allows for interchangeable O-ring sizes to fit different dildo attachments.

For a cheaper leather-harness option, real-estate agent and interior designerKai Kingdiscovered this harness while browsing Babeland and, after a little over a year of use, has been very pleased with it. “I’m petite, but I got a large and it fits me, and it also fits most of my partners who are larger. Sometimes my partners will bring their own and we end up using mine instead,” they say. They’ve found that the “low-ride” design sits well on their hips and the belt has multiple holes that allow them to tighten or loosen the harness as desired. The maintenance isn’t too difficult, either; just wipe it down with a solution spray formulated for sex toys and it’s good to go.

Tomchesson says this Ultra Thigh harness is a great accessibility option for someone who may not be able to physically be on top. “If someone has different ability or mobility needs — maybe they have chronic pain or they’re a wheelchair user — a thigh harness is super versatile,” she says. You also get to see your partner “at different angles that you don’t necessarily get to see if someone’s just on your hips,” she adds. Carly S. is also a fan and says it doesn’t just have to be strapped to a thigh, either; she suggests attaching it to a hand, a foot, your face, or even a pillow. “You can strap a dildo basically to any part of your body,” she says. “It gives you so many options.”

According to jewelry curator Dylan Reese, boxer-style harnesses can be tricky as they can sometimes cause uncomfortable friction or an unpleasant “rubber band” snapping sensation. This boxer-style harness is “not the knife they would bring to a gunfight,” but they add that it’s a great introductory harness for someone new to the experience of wearing a strap-on because it’s straightforward to put on and has less room for user error — “somewhere between training wheels and an electric bike,” as they describe it. And even though Reese is an experienced strap-on user, it has proved useful for encounters that are more casual and low-key. “If I’m just hooking up with someone, I’m not doing all the bells and whistles. I’m not pulling out my leather and snapping all my snaps. This is much faster and less physically involved,” they explain. It’s also washable, comes with a sexy fishnet detail, and can easily be worn out and about under clothes. “Overall, it’s just more of a lighter-lift harness,” they say.

For something that’s a little more lingerie inspired, Carly S. recommends this bodysuit with a discreet ring at the front. “A lot of the underwear-style harnesses, it’s just the underwear, but this one is great to accessorize,” she explains. “You can wear it with pants or a skirt and have it be a part of your full outfit.” She’ll usually wear it when she’s trying to look and feel her hottest, like on a date night or if she’s attending a play party. “A lot of times harnesses aren’t exactly sexy, and I think it’s just really nice to have a sexy option,” she says.

“Vixen Creations is an incredible brand. They create everything by hand, and everything is really well made, really intentional, reliable, and just beautiful,” Gellert says. One of her first-ever dildo purchases was from Vixen, around eight years ago; it had a “purple galaxy” color that she immediately fell in love with. The brand is also a personal favorite of Tomchesson’s, who says it was considered “top of the line” when she first started using dildos and harnesses over 20 years ago and still remains her go-to. This dildo is made with “a dense core with a soft silicone outer layer,” giving it a pleasantly realistic feel, and comes in a wide range of sizes, says Tomchesson. “I think when you have a toy that’s high-quality and made with a lot of care, it adds that extra playfulness to an activity that’s already really fun,” Gellert adds.

Both Tomchesson and Gellert praised Avant by Blush dildos, calling them cute, affordable — most are between $30 and $50 — and approachable for newcomers. “For people who are searching for their first toy or want to add something pretty to their collection, these are great,” Gellert says. Whereas some dildos can be intimidating, with a large girth or super-realistic details, these “have a gentle look and feel to them,” with soft curves and swirly pastel shades. They’re all made of high-quality silicone with a strong suction-cup base, so “they can definitely work well with a harness, but can also be used solo or suctioned against a flat surface,” Gellert says. “It’s a great line to get a feel for what you want without spending hundreds of bucks and then feeling bad when it doesn’t work out.”

Reese has a preference for dildos that can be bent and posed into different shapes, which they find especially useful when paired with a harness. “Anything that’s stiff and just points upward will always have a certain angle where it doesn’t work, it feels awkward, or hits an odd spot,” they explain. “Whereas something that has a moldable core gives you a more customizable fit.” They recommend New York Toy Collective’s moldable dildos as “the McLaren of straps” in terms of texture, design, and aesthetic appeal, with a range of options between highly realistic and highly unrealistic. Like Vixen’s toys, they’re made of dual-density silicone that mimics the feel of real flesh, with a firmer core that still offers some give. Reese owns the Shilo model, which they say is the perfect size and girth and is outfitted with a pleasantly pronounced head.

Some people prefer the more “unforgiving” sensation of a firmer dildo. “The G-spot or the prostate really respond to that deep internal massage, so if that’s the type of stimulation you like, you might find that a firmer material is going to be a better fit for you,” Tomchesson says. She recommends the Tantus line, which is made of very dense silicone and won’t mold to the body’s curves the way softer silicone does. It’s even dishwasher safe for easy clean-up.

Dildos made of stainless steel also provide that firm, unyielding sensation — and look quite nice to boot. Njoy’s Purewand is “ridiculously gorgeous,” says Gellert, with an elegantly sculptural curve and a satisfyingly hefty feel in the hand — it even comes packaged in a luxe black box with a pink lining. It’s dual ended, so it can be used with or without a harness, and it measures eight inches long. Gellert points out that an extra perk of stainless steel is that it can be used for temperature play, as the material warms with body heat or can be cooled down for an icy sensation.

The dildos from the brand Banana Split are modular, meaning each one comes with a universal base that can connect to create a dual-ended toy. Reese first encountered them at a party where “girls were carrying them around on trays.” Reese isn’t necessarily the biggest fan of internal straps, but they liked the design of this one and found it to be pretty maneuverable. The Banana has a longer, more traditional shape, while the Dollop has a smaller, rounder shape, and both are equipped with powerful motors that can be adjusted to provide a variety of vibration intensities. Though these technically can be used in tandem with a harness, ultimately Reese advises that the mechanism for holding the strap-on in place is meant to be internal rather than external.

Multiple sources brought up the Bumpher, an attachment that goes on the base of a dildo where it makes contact with the wearer. “It essentially provides pressure points that intensify the massage for the giver,” Tomchesson says. Reese adds that it’s a nice way to add to the pleasure of the strap-on wearer without being too distracting: “Sometimes a vibrator can be too intense when there’s already a lot going on. The Bumpher provides a bit of reverse stimulation as you press down that’s softer and more grindy,” they say. It’s made of silicone and is compatible with most toys.