What Robby Hoffman Can’t Live Without

This was an impulse purchase at the cash checkout, and I use it all the time. It’s small. It’s not that dangerous. Our house has become the mail room, especially because we moved. It really does the trick. It opens things way better than me savagely trying to rip through a package with the help of my keys. This is my key chain. I have my two keys for my house, my car key, and this knife.

I was poor for a lot of my life. And so as everyone who’s poor or struggling in capitalism knows, it is the small treats. When they yell at us for spending on the avocado toast, I go the opposite way. I say,You’re working like a dog, you’re underpaid. Get the avocado toast. What’s the point?For me, the Illy coffee was my version of having the avocado toast at home. It’s not too expensive, but it’s not cheap. It makes me feel really fancy to take it out from that tin. The tin is half the battle. You buy it once and you keep the tin and buy whatever affordable coffee from the dollar store. Me and the tin are going back eight, ten years. And the Illy coffee with the little moka pot? You can get it for $10, $20 used and it lasts forever. You feel like the fanciest bitch. You could have roaches in the house, and you have that moment of peace with your gurgling coffee. It’s some dignity in your miserable life.

Trader Joe’s goes hard on the snacks. Everybody knows this. It’s no secret. I really got into wasabi peas and then I started branching out into the rice-cracker snacks and things like that. The rice-cracker medley is a staple in my house.

I’m very new to moisturizer and sunscreen in general. I don’t apply every day. I’m not an example. I’m in the hat. I’m doing what I can. I have, for many years, used Jergen’s body lotion, because as far as I’m concerned, since when is my face not part of my body? That said, I now do have a separate face screen, and it’s this L’Oréal Revitalift. It’s my one skin-care routine. I apply this after the shower. I don’t shower every day. I shower every second day. So I’m moisturizing about every second day and it seems to be going fine.

Just use a dot, a couple dots. Get yourself a loofah or a washcloth. Really lather it — it will lather! I don’t have a separate wash for my face or anything. The separate moisturizer is the best I can do. This wash goes everywhere. It says body wash, I’m including my face, sorry.

I bought it from Supercuts on the suggestion of my longtime hairstylist, Tony. I go about every four to six months. I was hesitant on the upsell from Tony, and she’s been very delicate with me. And it’s changed my life. I use it every time I do my hair. It’s a little puck, so you only use a little bit. It lasts me the entire time until I see her again.

Tony can do a perfect part, so I would try and keep my part as she did it. When I washed my hair, I washed it thoroughly but carefully, to keep the part as straight as possible. My sister Chaya was like,“You can just do this yourself. That’s insane.” And I was like, “I don’t know if anyone could do it as good as her.”And she said, “Just get yourself a comb.” She sent me this comb and I’ve had it for at least five years. I used it so much that the teeth came out, so I just bought another one. It lasts a really long time. If you’re parting your hair, it’s pointy and excellent. Again, people think it’s the large moments that make a life, but it’s the culmination of all the little ones. The getting ready, the doing your hair, the feeling yourself. These are all things that help.

I don’t like anything too floral. I like boyish smells. A lot of people go, “Oh, natural deodorant doesn’t work.” I agree. But you must trust the process. In the beginning, it makes you sweat almost more. It gets worse before it gets better. Give it time. Obviously don’t do this the first week on a new job. The timing of this is gonna be on you. I can’t fix everything for you. But once it kicks in and it acclimates with your body, it’s incredible. I feel like it works better than any deodorant. Your body’s not fighting it, it’s not fighting you, it’s not sweat versus the stick. We’re on the same page.

When I first moved to L.A., I lived with a fellow comedian, Steph Tolev. She had a little physical day planner, which felt annoying to try and keep. But you know what ended up becoming more annoying? As I traveled to see all of you more and more, Google … they have not nailed their time zones in the phone. It does not know how to keep local time. So I’ve gone back to the book. I ended up with the XL five-day planner. It’s $30 and it’s quite literally my entire life. If it’s not in this book, it is not happening. If something ever happens to this book, I’m fucked at least for that year until I get the next book. I wish they made it even bigger. And if they’re not gonna make it bigger, I’d love the XL in other colorways. I know for the medium one, they always put out a green, a red, a yellow. Would it kill you, Moleskine, to give me a green XL?

I wore contacts as a teenager for some years, but they were too irritating. They were too much of a process, and not an enjoyable one. Not one that made me wanna stick to it. And just like Google Cal, I gave up on the contacts and I went back to the basics. I went back to the Moleskin and I went back to just wearing glasses. I decided once and for all, probably in conjunction with my move to California, that there was no excuse not to have sunglasses. These ones are Moscot, which is an old New York family business. They have been making them forever. I’ve had them maybe eight, ten years. Moscot comes in a lot of size variations. My head is very small, some say childlike. But I don’t wanna wear, you know, children’s glasses. This is your next save-up, start saving. These ones are particularly pricey. That said, my cost per wear has gotta be two cents. I had my trauma of losing my Warby Parker ones, I went swimming. Somebody said, “Go in the ocean, go in the ocean.” Jumped in. I didn’t even think I had my glasses on. They were gone. So these ones I haven’t lost, ’cause I know how expensive they are. Sometimes you need to pay an expensive price to learn the lesson.

I’m begging whoever runs the vape department at the government in America. Low-nicotine vapes. I stocked up on these on a recent trip to Canada. It’s basically like having a hookah on the go. I’m not proud of it, I don’t wanna be addicted to nicotine, but I do really like the oral fixation of the vape. I don’t even care to smoke cigarettes for some reason. With the world the way it is, I’m less judgy about how people manage. I don’t know, one percent, babe, please get it done. I’m not encouraging the vape. If you’re vaping, get off of it, I’m getting off of it too.

Speaking of vices, the best wine I’ve ever had is Well Read. I did think about gatekeeping this one, but apparently most people know about it anyway. I’ve been screaming about it for years. I buy it at Trader Joe’s for $5.99. It’s excellent and it’s organic and has no detectable sulfites. This could be psychosomatic, but I think sulfites and sugar are what make you feel like shit generally. This wine is very light, smooth. You can have a glass or two without feeling gross. If I have wine, I don’t wanna get a headache or whatever. And this wine is the best for that. You can have it, you can go to sleep, and you can wake up. So help me God, if they raise the price after me putting them on the map, that would bother me. Anybody who has a problem with the amount you spent on wine, or anything else, you should really reconsider their place in your life. Whatever you spent is amazing, and thank you.

This was a COVID switch, just like the deodorant. I’m very regimented, I was always somebody who had a coffee in the morning and a coffee in the afternoon. Then that afternoon coffee would hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d always crash. I still love my morning coffee. I love the process, I love being with my wife and having coffee. Just the entire experience. In the afternoon after lunch, I have a green tea. There was a learning curve. It took me three weeks. I drink it over the course of an hour or two and that’s it. I can’t drink tea any later. I’ve missed my window? No tea for me. I cannot be up. I like to be sleeping.