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This Vaguely Threatening Water Jug Forces Me to Drink a Gallon a Day

Photo: Courtesy of Caroline Goldfarb

If trying to get a Kourtney Kardashian-recommended gallon of water in your body each day isn’t a struggle for you, I can’t relate. Drinking 128 ounces of water feels like a tasteless punishment. Or at least it did, before I found the BuildLife Motivational Fitness jug.

In my quest to get hydrated, I stumbled upon the one-gallon behemoth of a water bottle (which comes in a rainbow of colors) while browsing Amazon, and it screamed to me — literally. The jug is stamped with inspirational and vaguely threatening phrases encouraging you to keep drinking at every hour of the day. Feeling unmotivated at 11 A.M.? Too bad, because it will remind you to “Remember Your Goal.” Disheartened at 5 P.M.? Who cares, because the jug will tell you there are “No Excuses.” The jug is my best friend, my personal trainer, my mean Persian mom, my fears, my desires, all melted into one BPA-free bottle. (But if I ever got to design my own, I’d make the phrases less Crossfit merch and more relatably demoralizing, like “Drink up, you dry bitch” or “Everyone hates you because you’re dehydrated.”)

Every day at work, I stand at the water cooler filling up my jug for what always feels like an inappropriate and awkwardly long amount of time. Yes, I may spend a lot of my free time peeing. And yes, there are haters who ask, “Why not just use a normal-size water bottle and refill it three times a day?” The answer is because a small water bottle is child’s play, and that this one-gallon behemoth cuts through the BS, forcing me to honestly come face to face with my water intake. Seriously, though, when I consistently drink a gallon a day, I find my skin is clearer, my bloat is down, and (perhaps best of all) I don’t feel as gross after a night of drinking booze.

I’m not perfect — there are days when 3 P.M. rolls around and I realize I haven’t taken a sip since 11 A.M. the day before — but I don’t give up. My commitment to the Jug Life through the good, the bad, and the jugly has already made me a more disciplined writer, woman, friend, and lover (in addition to inspiring others, including coworkers, friends, and some strangers, to follow suit). If you’ve got weak wrists like me, and are worried about the strain of lugging the jug from place to place, don’t worry: There are jug accessories (jugcessories?) to help with that, including a cross-body purse of sorts that’s also emblazoned with inspirational phrases, so you won’t lose out on the motivation while toting it around. I dream of the day that me and my custom rhinestone, vegan-leather jug purse (jurse?) are sitting front row at Paris fashion week, laughing with Rihanna about how dehydrated everyone else looks.

More Strategist-approved water bottles

This minimalist one-gallon jug can hold as much water as the BuildLife model, and comes highly recommended by Amazon reviewers, who praise its durability and ability to keep beverages cold “for hours,” even in triple-digit temperatures.

Those who need to work their way up to a gallon a day could start with this 64-ounce (or half-gallon) bottle by Strategist-approved brand Hydro Flask, which looks quite similar to the oversized white bottle our friends at The Cut spotted Jonah Hill toting around last summer.

Writer Karen Iorio Adelson declared Nalgene — long a go-to brand among hikers and outdoorsy folk — as the the next status water bottle in January, after consulting with experts including a brand consultant, a fitness editor, and a fashion-brand founder.

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This Threatening Water Jug Forces Me to Drink a Gallon a Day