What Do I Buy My Stepmother Who I Kind of Hate?
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In September, we asked actress, comedian, and writerAmy Sedaristo be our first-evergiftingcolumnist. Forty readers wrote in for help with their toughest giftees — the 13-year-old daughter who only wants Taylor Swift concert tickets, the millennial daughter-in-law who doesn’t like clutter, the aunt who’s a borderline hoarder. We sent all the requests along to Amy, who handpicked a handful to answer. Below, her first batch of suggestions for the stepson who hates his stepmom, the niece whose aunt has everything, and the wife who “unfortunately” drew her husband’s name in Secret Santa.
Dear Amy,
What do I buy mystepmother, who is always bitchy to me and I kind of
hate her? I want to give her something that means “Fuck you” but seems “respectful.” In the past, I have given hercosmetic gift setswith the mostanti-agingpackaging I can find at Sephora. —Evil Stepson
Dear Evil Stepson,
So far, you’re on the right path with theanti-agingcream. Maybe you can find something specifically for liverspots? Or aporch broomso she can fly around at night? But if you want something that’s going to make her life hell, you can’t go wrong with a shiitake log. It’s amushroom-growing kit. Tell her to stick it in her sunniest window, and soon her whole house will reek of feces. Good-bye, Stepmom; hello, horseflies!
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Dear Amy,
I need advice on what to buy my aunt. She’s one of those people who has everything — let’s say she’s crossing that fine line between being a collector and being a hoarder. Her big passion is collage art. —Niece of a Shut-in
Dear Niece of a Shut-in,
Hoarding changes everything. Shop for her like you’re shopping for a nun. Get her something that can be used so it doesn’t add to the clutter — stamps, cold cuts, one roll of pinktoilet paper, a bottle of niceolive oil, or a can of red-skin peanuts.
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Dear Amy,
My husband and our kids are going to England this year to visit family. His niece had the idea of doing aSecret Santa. I unfortunately drew myhusband’s name and now am stumped on what to get. It has to be either something that is small enough to fit inluggageor something I can buy in England. He’s achef. —Tightwad
Dear Tightwad,
Make a gift certificate for one free blowjob.
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