What Bridget Everett Can’t Live Without

Unfortunately, I don’t have a thigh gap. I’m flesh on flesh, so it’s nice to have a little something to keep it soft down there. Katie Sturino is sort of like an influencer and body-positive person, but she also happened to be the foster mother of my first dog, Poppy — that’s how I got to know her. She started this company that makes these little sticks you can rub on if you havethigh chafe, and it really does work. I love it. I put it on before shows and before I go to the airport. I use it every day.

Poppy was my firstdog, and she was a Pomeranian but just never barked.Shewas such a sweet little docile angel. And then when she died, I was like, “I got to get another one of these.” So I got a puppy I rescued out of California named Lulu, who is the exact opposite of Poppy, and she is on fire from the minute she wakes up. I got this at the Humane Society Gala, and she loves it. And not only does she love it, it gives me 20 minutes of quiet and peace. And by the end, really, her battery levels come down about 25 percent.

For years, I just took Aveeno body lotion and put it from the tippy top to the tippy toes. And then eventually I was like, “Oh, maybe I can try what’s supposed to go on your face.” I’ve been poking around for a long time, but I needed something kind of lightweight that doesn’t have a fragrance and feels verymoisturizing. I finally found Dr. Sturm’s products. They’re not cheap, but your face is your fortune. So I’ll throw my last dimes at them if that’s what it takes.

It’s hard to find cute shoes when you have big-girl feet. Charlotte Stone is super-size-inclusive. I’m a tall woman who doesn’t mind wearing a heel, and it’s got a bigchunky heel. I have about 12 pairs or something ridiculous because when you find something in your size and a nice color, I do like my mom and I buy multiples.

The first thing I do when I come home is take off mybraand live my life the way I want to. Usually when I’m onstage, I’m not wearing a bra, either, but sometimes I like just a little support. These tanks fromgirlfriend.com, which is also a size-inclusive brand, give a little support. I can walk around the house, I can throw on a sweater when I leave, or I can just pop out on my terrace and walk my dog.

Zingerman’s pimento cheese was our cheese of the summer. My heart belongs with Zingerman’s. It’s got a nice little spice. You leave it out on the counter for ten minutes before you serve it so it softens up a little bit. It doesn’t matter what else is on the table; people are going to go for that cheese. And I personally like it with a club cracker because I’m white trash and that’s how I live.

It serves a dual purpose. It makes you face-to-face fresh, but it’s so shocking that it wakes you up. So when we’re filming, I keep one in my pocket and it’s like a tic. I shoot myself right in the mouth before almost every take. It’s a little extreme, but it is just like a comfort to me. I keep one in my pocket, I pop it in my mouth, they say “action,” and we go for it.

Murray Hill, who plays Fred Rococo onSomebody Somewhere, and I like to take out the gun andmassageeach other. We’re both so inflexible that when we drill that thing down, it’s just a lot of screaming and waking up the neighbors. But it’s really fun. I use it a lot. When you take that thing out and you put it on high, you’re going to scream bloody fucking murder. But you are getting a job done.

After I pack my suitcase, there’s my sort of whoopsiebag. Like, “Whoopsie, forgot that!” I just throw in whatever sweater or extra T-shirt or shoes I like into my whoopsie bag. I like to have things that feel nice and practical and will last a long time. It also makes me very happy to see my orange bag. I just feel like I’m a lady who’s got my shit together when I’m carrying my Clare V.

When I started going on the road a lot more and traveling for work, I had shitty suitcases that would just fall apart and fall apart and fall apart. So I finally invested in a Rimowasuitcase. I put a sticker on it from my favorite donut shop in my hometown,Varsity Donuts. I love the way they roll, and I know that seems like not a big deal, but if you’re in a hotel that has carpet in the hallways and you try to drag a bag with shitty wheels down them, it’s a small thing. But if you’re doing that every fucking weekend, a nice roll really puts you off on the right foot.

There’s a store in my hometown, Manhattan, Kansas, which is where the show is set. So I wrote them and asked if they could make us a logo for the show. They’ve been doing some of our merch. It’s a good conversation starter on the street. For somebody like me whose motto is “No new people,” it’s good for me to break out of my shell.