The Baseball Hat for Sports Ignoramuses

“Hermit crabs use abandoned sea shells as mobile homes,” narrates the ever-British David Attenborough in avideoof a clan of hermies in search of new homes. It’s an oddly powerful clip. It makes me as a human feel like a little beach bug. And it makes me want to buy ahat.

If you are like me, or know a person like me you’d like to buy a gift for: Ebbets Field Flannels are just the answer. EFF is a Seattle-based company that prides itself not only on the handcrafted quality of its product, but also the quality of its research. Their hats (they also make jerseys and jackets and such, but those are much less versatile) are made from a curated list of logos and designs that likely would’ve been lost to time. Take the very cuteSurf Riders hat, from the San Francisco Surf Riders Coast Guard team. This hat, like all Ebbets hats, tells a story, but not one that demands constant sports following.

Is your name Oscar? Get thisOsaka Tigers striped cap. EFF is also a good option if you want to rep where you’re living — whether it beL.A.orBrooklyn— but don’t want to support its sports team because you’re actually from Boston or Philadelphia. For my money, though (or, in this case,yourmoney), you should get a hat with a funny animal on it! There’s aSnoopy hatorWoodstock hatthat might be the perfect speed. (Charlie Brownisn’t an animal, but the spirit almost counts.)

There is one hat you shouldn’t get. And that isthe 1950 Cuban Amateur League Cervezeria Polar cap. The logo is that of a then-local beer company, showing a polar bear that is also seemingly part Grimace, but in a chic way. I would like you to not buy this hat for you and/or your family member because it is mine, all mine. I wear this hat on Sundays, and it’s kind of become my signature piece. If I saw someone else wearing it, it’d ruin my day (a Sunday). I guess it’s okay if you don’t live in middle-west Brooklyn or any place I might go on vacation. That is unless, like a hermit crab, you’re open to tradesies.